On A Clearer Day.....

How time flies

2011-07-28T20:34:00.006+01:00

I still follow the same blogs I did when I first started writing here, but very sporadically now. Lovely to see all the pictures of the kids (with DS or not) growing up, and new babies arriving.

Luke is going to be 3 in October, L is 4 next week. I can't really believe 4 years have gone by since he arrived. We last saw him (and the rest of his family) in May and will see him next Sunday.

Although I do like to see him, we (my husband and I) do still find the meetings hard. My parents-in-law also see L either with us or sometimes separately.

I must say he is a fantastic, lovely little boy with such a nice nature, very much like Luke! His adoptive older brother (also with DS) is much more boisterous and they do have a lot of rough and tumble as a result (something Luke is missing out on and he may need toughening up a bit!).

My singing is going well and I can have up to 5 appointment to sing at nursing homes/day centres a week! I'm working about 25 to 30 hours a week back at my old office to pay for the nursery for Luke to give me the free time to do the singing which is very enjoyable. There is often very little feedback, especially if the place specialises in dementia, but if I see a finger or toe tapping, that is enough for me to know it's made a difference to someone's day!

Well it wasn't so bad!

2010-09-06T09:40:00.005+01:00

The operation is all done and dusted and I'm back at home now - taking it easy - which is driving me mad!! It was all so much better than I had anticipated. I suppose that going private made a difference - 3 nights a nice hospital room with TV, own bathroom and good food etc. Thank heavens for medical insurance!

I am not due to start my singing "gigs" for the elderly until the 27th Sept which gives me time to rest and heal. Luke is doing 3 days in nursery for the next 4 weeks and hubby is looking after him the rest of the time. Well, I mean he is doing all the driving, lifting and carrying as I can still do everything else - just need to sit down every so often and have promised consultant that I will sleep for at least 2 hours every afternoon - ahhh a life of leisure - I can't wait for it to be over and get back to my exercise classes!!

How time flies...

2010-08-24T10:14:00.004+01:00

Good golly gosh, how quickly did that couple of months go??

We have recently been to see L who turned 3 on 5th Aug. He is really walking well now, feeding himself, saying some words, raising hell around the house - and quite obviously bringing joy to his family.

I know it's maybe an odd feeling for me to have - but I feel very proud of him! He's a really a bonny looking little boy too!

I've been very, very busy with a new job (sort of job anyway) singing at retirement and nursing homes. There isn't much money in it but the residents seem to enjoy it which makes it worthwhile. It helps towards the cost of nursery for Luke which he now attends for two full days a week. He is loving it!

I'm having an operation on 31st August - a "posterior repair" (prolapse) which I am dreading. I've promised the consultant I won't pick Luke up for 3 months - but I can't really see that happening! I've put it off since January but really I have no choice but to get myself "fixed".

Ho hum. At least I will have more time to read up the blogs I follow when I'm lying in bed for a couple of weeks!!!!

Long time

2010-06-03T10:48:00.002+01:00

Wow, I don't get round to posting much - but am still reading other blogs.

We are off to Ontario, Canada for two weeks tomorrow. We have family there in Kingston.

Luke is amazing and is talking non-stop. He is still small and well, the whole eating issue - a nightmare!

We saw L and his family last week at my parents-in-laws house. Hubby's sister, his two aunties and uncles and his cousin and wife came too. It was lovely that they could all meet L and see how happy he is and how well he is doing. He is walking, feeding himself, saying a few words and my, my is he a cheeky chappie! He will be 3 in August.

Well hurrah for holidays and bye for now!

Luke walking

2010-02-06T10:16:00.003Z

Well he took his first steps by himself last Thursday and there's no stopping him now. It's adorable but he gets SO angry if I try to hold his hand to help him! Such great fun, loving it!

2010-01-25T19:39:00.002Z

Gosh, I just can't seem to get round to posting here these days!

My back is much better. I am having to do some exercises but other than that it's pretty much ok - just the usual amount of pain that I have from it anyway which is more of a constant niggle than all-out pain.

Luke is almost walking - he has taken a couple of steps by himself but that is all he will try, however he will walk for AGES holding both my hands - which you can imagine is not so good for my back - but hey, he loves it!

I picked up some brochures the other day for a part-time course to become a Montessori teacher. Have heard of it and like the idea but have not done too much research into whether it's a good thing to go for or not. It's not cheap but would give me a qualification. I'm not sure it's as popular here as the US or Canada yet?

Anyone know more about it? Do you think it;s a good thing to train for??

Ho ho ho

2009-12-14T13:32:00.005Z

Another long break!

Not much happening, just enjoying every moment with Luke who is now pulling up to stand and doing a little cruising. So glad I decided not to go back to work - this time with him is so special!

Having said that - last Friday I slipped a disc and was immobile on the bathroom floor till the ambulance came to cart me off to casualty. Slipped a damn disc and now can't even pick the little man up. Missing him so much. Hubby is doing the full-time care and I feel useless. Getting better though and with a bit of time and physiotherapy things should improve. One downside is that I've had to cut short the breastfeeding due to the medicati0on I am talking. I had hoped to carry on through the winter. I've been surprised at how upset that has made me - but then again he is 14 months so I guess it was sort of time anyway.

We have a visit planned with L and his family next Monday, so will get to hear all about the Buddy Cruise.

Although his adoption was 2 years ago it's still a minefield of emotions! I go to the local sports centre Monday to Friday now and place Luke in the crèche whilst I do classes (well not for the next few weeks anyway!). There is an older lady with Down Syndrome who works clearing the tables in the cafe there and I do try to speak to her when I get the chance, although it's not really possible to engage in a conversation as such with her. She likes to give Luke a little tickle though! There are also a lot of disabled groups that visit the cafe there with their carers. For people not dealing daily with disability it is so difficult to know how to react. I've blogged about that here before. It's a natural curiosity to look but most people feel like they have to ignore rather than appear to be nosey. Actually I have a lot of stuff in my head about this right now but am really groggy from my meds and must go lie down....

Buddy Cruise

2009-10-24T13:16:00.004+01:00

L, along with his brother, mum and step sister has just been on the Buddy Cruise. Those of you connected to Ds will probably know about it and will know one of the main speakers Emily Perl Kingsley who wrote Welcome to Holland. What a fantastic trip! I am sure they had an amazing time and I can't wait to hear all about it.

We last saw L and his family in September. This was an official visit organised by social workers - who didn't know then that we had met separately!! Well they do now!! We came clean and although we were worried about it, the social worker with us at the visit was very pleased with how things have worked out. So we needn't have been worried at all.

L is doing so great, he is a bundle of joy and loving life! I've said it before, but when those two brothers get together, wow, they are like a whirlwind! So much energy!

I'm really happy that they have each other.

Ahh but he is lovely!

2009-09-15T17:24:00.002+01:00

Not a recent photo - taken at the end of June but I love it!

2nd attempt at a trip to Paris failed!

2009-09-15T17:11:00.003+01:00

Hubby and I were due to go to Paris for our wedding anniversary in June but decided to cancel as I was still breastfeeding and Luke was more important.

Now he will have a bottle (mind you, only cows milk, still refuses formula) I booked just a one night stay in Paris going by Eurostar (train). My parents-in-law were thrilled to be having him after we did a test run a few weeks ago when he stayed with them overnight. I did all this in secret, booked him time off work by contacting his boss at home, hid passports and a change of smalls and toiletries in my handbag, deleted all the history from my computer web searches so he would not suspect. And he didn't!

We were due to travel on Monday morning and come back Tuesday evening.

Luke had not been so well - we assumed teething. His face started to swell up on one side - we still thought teething. By Sunday afternoon I was just not happy and knowing the trip was booked took him to A&E. I thought they would laugh me out of there as a neurotic mother with a teething baby - but thank heavens we did go. He was hospitalised immediately for an infection in his saliva gland.

Two days later and 7 failed attempts to get an IV line in he has been treated with antibiotics by injection and now by mouth. We were able to bring him home evenings which was better than having to stay in.

Still waiting for results to see what kind of infection it is - bacterial or viral (mumps a possibility that needs to be ruled out). Got seven more days of medicine then some more blood tests - if they can get any out!

Poor little love - horrible seeing him poked with needles over and over again. This was a minor thing - I can't imagine how difficult it must be for parents of really poorly children, just heartbreaking.

So, never got to Paris again! Hopefully travel insurance will pay up and we will try again in the Spring.

Picture of both boys together

2009-08-22T11:11:00.008+01:00

I probably won't leave this picture up long as I still feel like it's not sort of fair to L's family but here is a picture of hubby, Luke, me and L together at out last visit!

Visit with L

2009-07-30T22:34:00.003+01:00

We have had our visit with L and his family. It was really great to see him and once again we were made to feel so welcome. He's so grown up now - will be two on 5th August. And so, so lovely. Still a red-head. Very, very happy - always smiling and wanting to hug and kiss. He has the greatest giggle. He's also so strong and hit hubby once by accident in the face and nearly knocked him out!

Didn't get chance to talk much about any health issues (if any), but gosh he looked very well. So did his big brother. I have learnt quite a lot of signs but it doesn't look like Maketon is used much but that's because L's big brother speaks quite well anyway. I can't always understand all the words he uses but he's really doing so well (just to clarify he is 6 - also has Ds). They are so good together. Lucky boys to have each other!

Luke was good although a bit bemused at times!

Parents-in-law coped very well considering they have never met the family and have not seen L since he was a few weeks old. They really enjoyed seeing how happy he is and what a lovely life he has.

I won't pretend it's not painfull though. Still no regrets about the decision - but still it's hard.

This visit was not 'official' - ie not know about by the social workers and now we have to do the 'official' visit in September - after which they will allow us to sort out arrangements ourselves so we can quit pretending. It will be difficult in September to make out like we have not seen him for a year but it has to be done.

Oh NO!!!!!

2009-07-21T23:30:00.003+01:00

All of a sudden my milk has dried up. Did cut Luke down to morning and evening (plus an extra one if needed at 3.30 ish) and it was all going great. He started more-or-less sleeping through from 7ish to 6ish. Thought I had it cracked. Now all of a sudden I don't seem to have any let-down at all. Usually it's so fast and strong it almost hurts. I've drunk pints and pints of water today and let him feed a few times but no improvement yet - is this the end? I didn't imagine it would just stop like that - I feel so upset about it - I'm just not ready. Not only does he hardly take liquid any other way - I'd decided to keep feeding him through the winter now with the Swine Flu about. Damn, damn, damn! What other tips are there for getting supply back up - I've tried expressing after feeding although don't get anything out)???????????

Edited to add:
Be careful what you wish for.....got it back (yay!!!!) but am now back to feeding every three to four hours in the night again which means poor Luke does not get a good night's sleep. Still - thankful that it was possible anyway.

Luke at 9 months

2009-07-17T11:23:00.002+01:00

A long break

2009-07-17T09:46:00.003+01:00

Haven't posted for such a long time!

Luke sort of took over here when it was supposed to be about L and the adoption and just to be here hanging around on the internet in case anyone was in the same situation.

Happy to say though Luke is doing great. Still breast-feeding though at nine months and looking like it may go on well over a year. I've made my peace with that now and it's only twice a day so no hardship. He's still on the small side having fallen from 25th to 9th and now 2nd percentile. He looks healthy though so the heath visitor is not worried about him!

He's really gorgeous. Very happy most of the time and really into everything. Very lazy though with the crawling. Does not even try. Will sit if placed like that but makes no attempt to move about - which I suppose makes it easy for me at the moment. He will eat most things mashed and plenty of finger foods but needs constant distraction to open his mouth for a spoon of food. He HAS to have something new to hold and look at during meals - I've just about run out of things in the house - yesterday was a set of metal measuring cups. I've let him get away with this foible because I really want him to eat - but that was a mistake and I suppose I am going to have to retrain him sometime when he's older! He loves, loves, loves swimming and we have some great underwater photos and he's SO talkative (in his own way). He's just an absolute joy really!

We last saw L before Christmas last year and are due to see him next week. My mother in law is coming too and possibly father in law. Looking forward to it but, as expected, I have been a bit weepy the last few weeks. He will be 2 on 5th August. At Luke's Sing-and-Sign class this week they taught us the sign for mummy/brother/sister/grandparents and I burst into tears in front of everyone. I think a combination of L's visit coming up and my mum dying last year and realising that Luke is going to be an only child (of course L is his biological brother but it's not the same). We have decided that we are so lucky to have Luke and it's best to leave it there. It's been going round and round in my head for so long but final decision is made (I think). I have the small complication of a prolapse which needs fixing with an operation but the surgeon wanted me to be sure no more before we go ahead.

Anyway, we have heard that L is doing just great and has started to pull up to stand now which is wonderful. His mum said we would be surprised at how vocal he is. His parents are taking the boys (his older brother with Ds) to the carribean for two weeks later this year then they are going on the Buddy Cruise which is so fantastic. They really are lucky boys!

Will update after visit.

Struggling - got to get it off my chest!

2009-03-28T18:57:00.006Z

I'm finding some things really, really hard at the moment but can't seem to find any answers or any help - I suppose that is because I just want someone to wave a magic wand and make it all ok for me but that isn't going to happen.

Really it all boils down to the feeding/sleeping thing with Luke. I've been worried from the very beginning about getting him to take a bottle and here we are at 23 weeks old and he still won't. Don't get me wrong - I love the breastfeeding - it's been so wonderful and I wouldn't have had it any other way but now Luke is starting to fall off his weight curve. He's put on barely 8oz in three weeks which isn't good and he's gone from 25th percentile down to near 9th.

When I spoke to the health visitor at the clinic about Luke not taking the bottle (which I have on every visit to her) she always seems to make some snarky comment about how I'd like a good night's sleep - that just makes me so mad!! I don't have a problem with getting up three times in the night - honestly - I've been doing it now for almost 6 months and could do another 6 if that's what Luke needs. But now some nights it's every two hours so it's plain that he's not getting enough and I'm also thinking that such unbroken sleep for him is not good - he needs to have a full night's rest. If formula is what will give him that then so be it. But I just can't get him to take it. We have tried everything. He just screams. We've tried 6 types of bottle and even more teats - even sippy cups.

Standard advice in the UK is not to wean onto solids before 6 months (26 weeks) but this week I did start trying a tiny bit of baby rice and puréed organic pears. You are supposed to have baby on to a wide range of foods including protein by 7 months and I thought it might be best to try and get a head start - just to get him used to the idea. Good job as at his last weigh in on Wed the health visitor suggested that I start weaning him now.

He doesn't like that either but it's early days so I'm not too worried - but I will also need to get him to drink some water at some point - again that seems impossible unless I spoon it in bit by bit.

This issue has been with me for so many months now and I am so worried I even dream about it. I don't have anyone who I can really explain it all to. My best friend hasn't had children and my mum's gone now. MIL has heard it and heard it so I try not to bother her anymore.

The thing is - some days I want to stop feeding and get my boobs back to myself - other days the thought of never breast feeding again makes me so sad I want to weep and weep. I booked this bloody two night trip to Paris for our wedding anniversary in June and I just don't want to go now. Parents-in-law think I'm silly and he will be ok by then but it's so near. What I can't seem to get accross to them is that it won't be enjoyable for me if I have to express 6 times a day to keep my milk up. They say they will get him onto the bottle when I am away as he will have no choice - either that or go hungry - is two nights in Paris worth that - No! And anyway - don't they realise that that will mean me going through the pain of stopping while I'm away anyway.

Also he sort of uses the breast as a comforter as well as for food - what will happen about that?? Sometimes it's the only way I can get him to sleep.

I've really made a mess of things and feel like a bloody idiot!

21 weeks!

2009-03-15T08:34:00.001Z

Still no news...

2009-03-13T18:17:00.003Z

about results of mum-in-law's op. She has phoned several times and has now been told that her consultant will be dictating a letter which she will get in a few days.

We are hoping that if it is bad news they would not do it by letter so things should be okay. Positive thinking!!

We are away on holiday with my in-laws for 5 days starting Sunday in a cottage in Dorset which should be a nice break - well I say that - but Luke has started waking at least every two hours the last few nights so maybe it won't be so restful for them! I am assuming it's his teeth but it could also be that I'm not making enough milk to satisfy him and he's waking up hungry. He's always happy to have a feed though and until the day comes that he is feeding from a bottle or on solids and I know how much he is getting I don't really want to refuse to nurse him whenever he seems to want it.

I really have to start trying more seriously with the bottle and not give up as soon as he refuses. It's not for my own sake - I do love breast feeding him - but I really, really need him to be able to take a bottle just in case. It's my own fault for not being a little harder with him earlier on.

We've got this bloody two night trip to Paris booked for our wedding anniversary in June and I just don't want to go unless he is very happy with a bottle by then. I would rather just cancel it and lose the deposit but hubby and in-laws say I am being silly and that he will be fine. Well of course he will be fine but I don't want him to be even a little bit upset for the sake of my own pleasure! Anyway it's a while off and I will be starting him on solids in about another 4 or 5 weeks so who knows?

Mum-in-Law

2009-02-28T08:25:00.005Z

I am obviously glad that we have the NHS in this country but MIL was treated appallingly! She did stay in overnight then was sent home without even seeing the doctor and with no-one giving her the slightest indication as to the outcome of the op. No doctor was available and she was told to 'try ringing next week' but that they were very busy!

Of course, thinking positively - if it had been something bad they would have told her there and then - wouldn't they??

It is out of order though leaving us with no answers!

Worried

2009-02-26T19:09:00.002Z

My mother-in-law is at this very moment in hospital having a D & C to remove a polyp from her womb and also to have a look at an unknown 'thing' that has been seen on an ultrasound scan. She had to be there at 7.30 this morning after having nil by mouth from midnight - then didn't go down to surgery till 5.30!! Very bad planning on the part of the hospital - but I suppose emergencies can come in so best not to complain.

Dad-in-law has tried calling to see what's happening but no news (is good news???). Obviously we are hoping that the growth or whatever-it-may be is just a fibroid but gosh it is worrying.

After losing mum last year having something happen to MIL would be just too awful. We have become so close since my pregnancy and the birth of L through Luke arriving and I love her with all my heart.

Great news!

2009-02-02T12:20:00.003Z

We have just heard the results of L's bowel biopsy and he does NOT have Hirschsprungs disease which is a relief. His constipation is just down to poor muscle tone so will hopefully improve over time. We are so pleased. We realise how very, very lucky we all are that L has such good health and my heart goes out to those dealing with health issues.

February is when we post our official 'Letterbox' letter to L which is checked by Social Services, then forwarded on (with a copy kept on file). Of course, we have already made our own arrangements and have visited L at home but they don't know this so we will keep up the pretence for the time being. I am not sure what we are going to write or what form it will take. The idea is for the adopted child to have this yearly update from his birth family which is available to them from Social Services when they grow up (in the event that the adoptive family choose not to pass the letters over). I believe that we will get some support as to what to include (it can't be emotional in any way or include our full names).

Luke's first underwater swim!

2009-02-01T20:12:00.006Z

Filmed this the wrong way round and don't know how to change it - so difficult to view. The swim instructor ducked him under for the first time and then passed him to dad. He seemed ok - no crying! This was his third lesson. Next week it's our turn to duck him under ourselves - I may be too nervous - will probably get dad to do it!

Luke at 12 weeks

2009-01-15T19:12:00.004Z

He's out of the Moses basket and into his big cot! Didn't think it would be that easy. Mind you, he is nearly always asleep in my arms before he is put down in the cot. I know that isn't the right way to do it and I worried about it for weeks but in the end I suppose you just have to do what works! He still is waking for a feed every 3 to 4 hours during the night - when I say waking, I mean he wriggles and moans then cries but never opens his eyes and goes straight back to sleep after feeding - which I am very grateful for. He can take a full feed from both boobs in about 15 minutes which is some going.

He still refuses a bottle so I've given up expressing now. He also still refuses a dummy but is sucking at his fingers a lot. May be some teething troubles already as he is dribbling and is cranky a lot of the time.

I've had him in the crèche at the local sports centre three times now while I do an aerobics class and he's taken to it fine. The girls in there are happy to see him as they don't often get such young babies to cuddle. There also is an aerobics class for ladies who bring their babies with them. I tried it today without him but will definitely take him along next time.

It is nice to get to talk to other mums as I get a bit lonely at times. I was confident I didn't need anyone, and found that I was totally wrong. I wish now that I had joined a group before he was born - just to have that support. I really have very little conversation skills at the moment for anything that does not involve him and what I am doing wrong (which I feel is mostly everything sometimes!). But still, having said that, he is growing and happy at least some of the time so I guess we are doing ok!

Must try harder!

2009-01-07T18:24:00.004Z

Took my eye off the ball and very nearly missed Luke's next set of immunisation jabs (12 weeks). Lucky that I decided at the last minute today to take him to the health visitor to get weighed (12lbs 2oz) and she reminded me it needed doing, like, straight away. Thankfully the nurse was free and did it there and then. Whew!

His little leg is red and swollen where one of the jabs went in. Poor little love, he's feeling very sorry for himself. We've just had projectile vomit and screaming for an hour. He's calmed down now. I really need to get a grip. I go to pieces when he is upset or in pain. With all the usual childhood illnesses we will have to go through - yes - I need to toughen up.

No news about L's biopsy yet. Still keeping everything crossed for him.

Lovely little L

2008-12-23T02:43:00.003Z

It was a nice visit. Felt strange to be going to their house - but on the other hand good to see where L lives. He has a lovely bedroom and loads of toys. He just looks so happy and content.

His legs are ultra-flexible and move in ways I would not have thought possible. His arms too. He gets around by rolling - VERY fast! He is very strong too.

I was so surprised when we arrived to see how big he has got. I know kids grow but we have not seen him since July and he seems so big!

His hair is SO red. I am assuming that Luke's will go the same way (although at the moment he seems blonde). He has such a gorgeous smile that lights up his face.

His big brother, P, is very boisterous and quite rough with him, but L did not seem to mind. P was very gentle with Luke though - most of the time! It must be hard work with those two boys on the rampage!

L's mum and dad are so great. They seem to be completely unfazed by the whole thing - where I suppose we are not quite there yet. L's mum referred to Luke as L's brother - which of course he is - but how we get our heads around that, especially as the kids start to understand more and ask questions I don't know yet. Hopefully it will just all fall into place.

The bad news is that they do indeed suspect Hirschsprungs disease although the results of the biopsy won't be available until January. Poor, poor little love.

We did come away again feeling confident of our decision to place L for adoption - yet at the same time the feeling of guilt - that we are shitty people for not being able to face up to our responsibilities does not go away. Never will. We were both very low for a while after. It was my mum's birthday today (22nd) as well so that doesn't help I suppose. I always sent her a planter of live instead of cut flowers every year so decided to keep up the tradition and still sent it with a note to tell dad I was thinking of him. I know everyday is hard for him - but harder today. He didn't seem to want to talk about mum when I called him earlier. We never have communicated well - never had a 'real' converstion anyway and I'm 41. I am guessing that we never will.

Visit

2008-12-18T03:53:00.003Z

We are going to see L on Sunday. This is outside of the structured once-a-year visit organised by social services because we have managed to get in contact with the family direct. They are really happy for us to visit and we are actually going to their house!

Mixed emotions all round. Looking forward to it - and frightened at the same time. Of being upset, of being unprepared for the latest changes in him as we have not seen him since July.

Poor little L also has to go into hospital tomorrow for a biopsy of his bowel under general anaesthetic. He has really bad constipation and they are looking for the cause. It is worrying but hopefully all will go fine. It's just a day case. Apart from his ASD (which seems to be no problem at the moment) and bronchiolitis which he has just had again, this is the first time an illness which possibly could be related to his Ds has come up (as far as I know at the moment). Hoping, hoping, hoping he can be sorted out.

We will be taking Luke with us so it will be nice to see how the boys look together - they are very similar in looks although L is a red-head and Luke is currently blonde.

Sometimes I can't quite believe all this happened. I was reading over Mum's diaries that dad gave me after she died. They are very scathing about me and the decision to choose adoption for L. Probably should not have read them again but - well - I did! One entry did state that my dad had disowned me, but happily he is okay with me now. I would really love to talk to him about L though but it's not looking likely that that will ever happen. Sometimes I think I will write to him and give him an update. Not an explanantion of why we did what we did. I don't think there is any point in that. It is possible that he and my sister may come to visit between Christmas and New Year to see Luke again. I hope so.

Well, it's 4 in the morning and I have just fed Luke but he is refusing to go back to sleep again. So sleep deprived but it can't be helped. We have tried Luke with expressed breast milk in a bottle but he just will not take it. My husband tries most nights but Luke just screams! How do I get him to take it. I know people say if he is hungry enough he will - but I just can't do that to him!

Six weeks

2008-11-28T08:01:00.008Z

Luke was 6 weeks on Wednesday - boy has it gone quick!

He weighed in at 10lbs 5oz so is still gaining well.

I'm still breastfeeding which I am pleased with. Hoping to make it right to 6 months but we will have to see how it goes. I am expressing a little every day - enough for one small feed - but so far we have not got around to trying to use a bottle more than a couple of times - need to work on this a bit (if I'm honest, I don't like the thought of him having a bottle in his mouth, but that is just me being daft!).

His sleeping patterns are not great - he is wide awake late evening (even though we always do bath and bed by 7 pm - unsuccessfully) and is up every 2 to 3 hours at night and sleeps quite late in the morning. Trying to change him round but not sure how to do it really.

Hubby is doing the 9pm to 11pm shift so that I can have a bit of sleep. He's being great - although I miss sleeping in the same bed as he stays downstairs on the bed-settee on work nights. Things being as they are in the job market at the moment, he needs to be as on the ball as he can be at work and he doesn't do very well without a good sleep.

I do have days when I think "I can't do this" but of course it passes and things get better again - mostly it's just when I'm tired and hungry.

My parents-in-law are visiting today so I might even go for a swim and sauna for a little treat!

Mum

2008-11-01T14:14:00.004Z

I've been a bit sad today thinking what a shame it is that my mum died before she got chance to see Luke. At least she knew I was pregnant (she died when I was around 15 weeks) which is something. And she had looked at some photos of L while she was in the hospital.

I have random photos on my computer screen save and every now and then one pops up of mum when we were in Kenya for my sister's wedding. My heart sort of stops for a minute when I remember that she isn't here anymore. In a funny way I still don't feel like I have grieved enough for her. Maybe it's to come. Or maybe I just don't have it in me.

I just wish she could have seen Luke and held him a little.

2 weeks old

2008-10-29T06:57:00.005Z

Well, Luke is two weeks old today.

It is hard, isn't it? I don't mind the sleepless nights or the constant breastfeeding, or the many, many nappy changes. I just hate to hear the little booger cry, even when I know it's just communication and he's not in any pain or anything - he screams like he is being tortured!

Yesterday I emailed some photos of Luke to L's mummy. It's our first contact away from the social workers (apart from a couple of text messages). It will be nice to be able to converse a little and hear how he is doing.

For the first week both my husband and I and my MIL called Luke L's name by mistake. I felt very bad about that but I suppose it's just because we talk about L all the time. Then I spoke to the other couple in our situation and they did the SAME THING with their new baby! For weeks! So much so that they even considered changing their new baby's name to try and stop it. Thankfully they are over it now as are we.

SO YUMMY!!!!

2008-10-21T10:14:00.004+01:00

A baby boy, born at 11.20 am on 15 Oct.

2008-10-17T13:17:00.003+01:00

7lbs 12. Induction was horrible but he is beautiful! One night stay in hospital to make sure breast feeding going ok and got home last night.

Not enough words. Overjoyed.

Tomorrow

2008-10-13T08:55:00.000+01:00

Today's induction is off. The hospital are too busy and they have the builders in!! Got REALLY upset at first as we were almost out the door ready to set off.

It will be tomorrow instead (hopefully).

It's the day!!

2008-10-13T05:38:00.003+01:00

It's 5.30 am and I can't sleep. We are off to hospital at 7.30am to start induction. My wishes for the baby to come naturally did not come true, but I'm ok with that now. Just want it here.

I am hoping it will be today and not drag over to tomorrow or the next day though!!

Still got a feeling that it will be a boy again, however, we could be surprised with a girl. The names we have chosen are Luke or Elizabeth.

I've got the great pictures of L enjoying is first birthday to take into the hospital with me in case I see any of the midwives or nurses that were involved in his birth and first few days. He will be on our minds more than usual today.

39 plus 3

2008-10-07T18:22:00.003+01:00

Back in hospital today for more monitoring. Baby's heartbeat was a little fast at my midwife check so she sent me up. All okay though.

It's really looking like I will be induced on Monday....but I live in hope!

(Please, please, please let it be tonight!!)

Also - at the hospital the midwife said I had a 'roomy' pelvis. Happy days!!

Baby's new clothes

2008-10-01T16:05:00.007+01:00

Look what I got for our new little pumpkin when he/she gets here!! We have finally braved it and bought some stuff.

It should be soon. It hurts so much to even stand up at the moment. Didn't have this experience last time. Is it normal? I am guessing so!!

Evening sky

2008-09-30T08:15:00.004+01:00

We live about 35 miles from Gatwick and 25 miles from Heathrow, London's two big airports. This was the sky tonight.

Quite beautiful.

37 plus 2

2008-09-23T15:12:00.002+01:00

I am over 37 weeks now - further than I got last time! I could really do with it being soon! Mind you, I thought I was going to enjoy getting things ready - but as it has turned out, I can't even sort out stuff in the nursery. Can't even bring myself to put the few clothes we have already been given into drawers etc.

I know I am avoiding it and I know why - but knowing it doesn't make me get my act together! And I really need to!

I have been thinking about my mum's death a bit more than usual too. I guess I have been avoiding that as well. My brother has just gone up north to stay with my dad while my sister is away on holiday and he will be bringing back a couple of my mum's rings for me to wear around my neck (with my wedding & engagement rings - fingers too fat!) whilst I am delivering this baby.

Tomorrow I have acupuncture and we are going to try inducing the baby. I don't know if it will work. She says it will take a week or so anyway. Not sure I believe in it all but she did work wonders on my bad back and SPD pain so who knows? It's worth a go. If not I have to be induced on 13th October at the hospital - which I would rather avoid if at all possible.

Day monitoring tomorrow.

2008-09-16T19:24:00.005+01:00

I am going into hospital tomorrow again for day monitoring. Last time all was fine so I am sure this will be too. Just the midwives being over-cautious. I am glad that they are - although I am not sure how much more worry my poor hubby can take!!

We've now got the cot and changing table (and other assorted baby gear) back from his relatives and I asked him to set it all up on Sunday. When I went in to check on him he was crying. He was thinking back to the first time we set everything up at the end of July last year.

I can't seem to motivate myself too much to get things ready. I keep promising myself that I will make a list and get some stuff bought but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. We all deal with things in different ways. I am spending far too much time avoiding things and just watching TV or reading.

35 weeks - Closer monitoring

2008-09-07T08:36:00.004+01:00

I am now considered a 'high risk' pregnancy. A midwife is coming round everyday to check my blood pressure and I may go to hospital today for foetal monitoring. I guess that are worried about pre-eclampsia (I have some protein in a sample I gave on Thursday) and the baby's movements have slowed considerably in the last few days as well.

After all as they keep saying "at my age".

I am sure that there is nothing wrong, probably just protein due to a mild infection but we won't have the results until tomorrow. Actually it feels quite nice to be monitored a little more closely. I live only 10 minutes drive from the hospital and I can call them and go up any time for them to check the babies heartbeat etc, which is quite reassuring.

My induction date is 13th October (due date 11th) but I am keeping everything crossed that this baby comes earlier than that without intervention. I am still going for acupuncture every week to help with my back pain (prolapsed disc due to scoliosis of the spine) and other stuff and she has said that they can do a natural induction which I think I might try.

I just want the baby here and ok. It can't come quick enough for me now!! Got a feeling that it will be a boy again - but I could be completely wrong!

Guilt

2008-09-04T06:23:00.007+01:00

Yesterday I went to a breast feeding class. There were over 20 mums-to-be there. I cried all the way through. Silently, of course. I sat near the window and was very discrete, nobody would have noticed hopefully.

Lots of emotions but I suppose it started with the question "Have any of you had a baby before?" Only one hand went up and it wasn't mine. It also brought back memories of L's birth.

But, the main thing was the guilt that I didn't breastfeed L for at least the few days I had with him in the hospital. I could have even expressed afterwards and somehow got the milk to him through the social worker.

I know the benefits of breastfeeding, but hearing it reinforced in a classroom setting, how even the smallest amounts of colostrum are important for the baby - even a tiny syringe full - it made me feel so bad.

L was less than 10 minutes old. I was alone in the room with him, he was on my stomach and I was trying to get him to my breast to attempt to start feeding him, but he was so floppy and my legs were numb and I just couldn't get him up close to me. He kept slipping. Then the midwives came back in and told me that they suspected he had Down syndrome. I was in such a state then that I wasn't thinking straight. I wish one of them had suggested that I at least express the colostrum. Just reminded me how it would help him.

A while later, when L was on the baby ward with a nurse, I demanded tablets to take my milk away. They tried to tell me they didn't exist, but I knew damn well they did and fought for them. And got them. Again, why didn't they remind me then that I could have given him a little to start him off?

I love L so much and am so concerned for his health. He is doing well, better that we hoped but how much better it would have been if I could have passed on those essential antibodies to him.

In the early hours

2008-08-27T03:42:00.003+01:00

I am 33 weeks and 3 days. It's 3.45 am and I can't sleep. This started happening just this week. Waking up every couple of hours or so during the night - wide awake.

I seem to recall the same thing happening when I was pregnant with L last year. I suppose it is the body's way of getting you ready for the sleepless nights you have to come, maybe??

I am now into my second full week staying at home and I have been concentrating on cooking. Hubby loves cooking and things have been left to him for such a long time now. Plus, the way my life has gone, I've never really had to do much cooking anyway. I have a lot to learn.

Last week, among others, I made cheesecake, lemon tart, a roast leg of lamb and Yorkshire puddings. This week I've tried a lasagne and am moving on to cakes. I seem to recall some baking with my mum when I was very, very young - but other than that - I have never made a cake!! Can you believe that!! I'm going to start with a Victoria sponge and a coffee cake. I'm enjoying this!!

Hubby took a picture of the bump last night. It is as big now as I was at 37 weeks with L when he was born - and I still have a way to go!

At home

2008-08-18T11:25:00.006+01:00

I finished work on Friday so today is my first real day at home. It will just feel like holiday for a while. I've been working full time (and more!) for 20 years so it will take a bit of getting used to. Obviously once baby comes along I will be too busy to think about it.

I was a little down yesterday. I suppose it's because I would usually have phoned mum to let her know I had finished work. I did phone dad but it's not the same. He doesn't really like talking on the phone (doesn't wear his hearing aids most of the time anyway). I don't think I've quite got it into my head that she is dead. But then it is only 4 months, I suppose.

I was 32 weeks on Saturday. Feeling quite uncomfortable. Lots of pain in the pubic bone (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction) but am going for acupuncture later today so may get a bit of relief. It's my own fault, I've made it worse than usual! The pub I used to work part time at ask me to help them out every now and then and I did 2 hours yesterday. Not at my usual fast pace either - I just served drinks behind the bar and took money for bills, however, when I got home I could hardly walk. I have had to say no more now.

We are currently sticking with the decision to buy nothing and prepare nothing before this baby arrives. (The cot etc is stored with hubby's relatives). The thing is; now that I am at home, will I start to want to get things ready? I may want to change my mind - I am sure everything is going to go fine - but I am not sure hubby will change his. He is so frightened of something going wrong. We both know that the fear is irrational, but it still doesn't stop us from feeling it.

News item

2008-07-19T12:09:00.003+01:00

Well on Breakfast TV this week there was a section on the use of the word 'chav' which has come into use since around 2004/2005.

This was repeated throughout the morning - as news! NEWS!!

I know they need to lighten the doom and gloom of the news in a programme like Breakfast, but seriously!! SERIOUSLY!!

Well, it just makes me angry when no-one is sitting in a 'think-tank' saying that we shouldn't use the "R" word. The BBC haven't done a similar piece on this word which is so often used in a derogatory fashion.

I know that most people who use it as such just don't realise the offence it can cause and would change if given a few hints (most reasonable people anyway), but it's offensive to me that this item got so much air time.

Visit over

2008-07-16T14:29:00.005+01:00

We are back and it was good.

L has grown so much! (obviously!). He will be one on 5th August. He was 19lbs last week. He is 95th percentile on the Ds charts and 25th on typical.

He has more hair - very red - very cute and beautiful big blue eyes.

He can roll himself over from his back to his front and back again. He moves around like this!

He has an amazing gummy grin and was so happy and content. He makes quite a few sounds and gets really excited sometimes, waving his hands around quite frantically.

He had his dinner while we were with him and he was no trouble, eating and drinking everything he was given happily.

He is having physio once a month and what they call 'portage' in the UK which is sort of a lesson session. He is being taught some signs.

His heart, eyes and ears are all fine. The only health issue he is having at the moment is constipation. He gets some pain when doing his business and cries a little but this is being worked on. All in all he is so healthy it is just lovely to see.

We spent around 2 hours with him and his parents (with a social worker present) and had some photos taken with him which they will send to us.

We cried before we arrived and after we left - but not in front of him, which was one of our aims. His parents are so great. Can't really put into words at the moment the gratitude we feel to them.

We still have some other photos to come from them - including some professional ones they have had taken which will be great.

They are keen to hear how we get on with our new arrival in October so we will pass this information on to them.

Visit

2008-07-16T10:34:00.002+01:00

It's our day to have our first yearly visit with L.

Neither of us has slept well the past few nights. So many emotions about this.

Hard to believe that the next time we will hear anything about L will be our 'official' letter time in February.

I know, I know, it was our choice. You make your bed you lie in it, eh?

Almost 26 weeks!

2008-07-04T07:49:00.003+01:00

Baby has started to move around now which is very comforting. Still a little nausea in the evening but no throwing up - yippee!! (Which also means weight piling on a bit).

Last week was my 41st birthday and we went away to Spain for a few days. It was nice but not so relaxing. Too hot for me in my current state. But having a few days together was good.

I have 36 working days left which, with holiday, will make my last working day 5th September. I am thinking of maybe leaving mid August though. I know that is quite a long time before the actual due date of 11th October, but I feel like I need it this time.

I am worried about the whole thing, obviously. I mean, what women doesn't worry a little about the birth? One big worry is that I perhaps won't feel joy at the birth but sadness about L, and that isn't fair on this little one. It probably won't happen like that but it is still on my mind.

Not long till we have our visit with him in July. Hard to believe that we have not seen him since November. It will be so lovely to see how big he is now. Especially as we had never seen him smile and now I hear he does so all the time!

A small milestone

2008-06-15T22:24:00.004+01:00

I have been away for just one night to visit my dad for Fathers Day. I went alone - hubby went to his parents. He wasn't happy with me driving all that way and back but I just felt it was the right thing to do.

Dad was his usual self - we can't get him to leave the house at the moment. He likes to talk about mum a lot - which is fine. And the stories are getting more and more unusual - he's talking much more about his past - things I've never even heard about (and I thought I had heard them all!!)

Anyway - the milestone!!

My sister tells me that the other night she was sitting watching TV with him and there was a programme on that had an interview with a boy (of about 8 she thinks) with Down syndrome. Dad actually asked...

'How is the boy doing?'

My sis obviously knew he was talking about L and told him about the adoption going through and how well he is doing. Dad also said 'he has a brother the same doesn't he? It's good... they will look after each other'. He's obviously listened to someone about things at some time to know that.

Such a big step. I thought there would never be any mention. Neither did sis. It's nice to think that at some point in the future he might actually talk to me about L. Early days yet but the possibility is there.

Adoption is Final

2008-06-13T18:53:00.005+01:00

L went to court yesterday with his new family and everything was signed and sealed. He is now officially their son - and not ours.

It was a strange day for us. I felt slightly panicky that my last chance to ever change my mind (not that I would have) was gone. I feel so sad, but I also feel great happiness for L and his family. I can just imagine how much the day meant to them and I can visualise their smiling faces (and their tears no doubt) as the order was approved.

Our social worker called to say everything had gone well. She said that L was wide awake in court, looking around at everything, smiling away. His new brother was running around making a lot of noise. His family took photos and have a disc ready to send through to us with around 60 other photos on as well. How great is that! I can't wait to see him.

Sometimes I still can't quite believe that all this has happened. And that I am going to be giving birth again in October. I have been going back over everything in my mind more this last week than I have in ages. The same old doubts, guilt, fears rearing up strongly.

The thing is that now I have an obvious bump (at 23 weeks for heaven's sake - what a fatty!) people do comment. And what is it that they usually ask....

Is this your first?

Gosh what a hard one. I have been asked on many occasions now and with the exception of just two, every time I have been unable to say 'yes'. I just can't deny that I gave birth to L. With shop workers or taxi drivers, it's ok to just leave it at 'no'. But oh when they start asking questions. Like at the hairdressers...'what sex is your first', 'how old is he'..etc etc. I can only go so far and then in the end have to admit that he doesn't actually live with me. I present the facts but am always very careful to be upbeat and positive, especially when it comes to Down syndrome. It's very important to me to do that (paradoxically though that makes it sound even worse!).

This is going to be with me for the rest of my life. I am never, ever going to lie. I don't want to. I need to figure out the best way to say it.

Do I say: 'actually I am a Birth Mother to a lovely boy with Down syndrome who lives with another family'? It's just too much information to give in reply to a passing comment. But that is the best I have come up with at the moment. Any ideas??

Anyway I am rambling. Just feeling a bit down, I suppose. And I feel sick - as usual.

Truthfully, I am just a big mess.

Last weekend

2008-05-28T20:55:00.005+01:00

We drove to stay for a couple of nights with my dad last weekend. My sister lives near him and goes in every evening to cook his dinner and sit with him for a few hours. She has a more-than-full-time stressful job as a solicitor so it was to give her a little break really. Hubby cooked up a few nice meals to take with us the night before we left and dad was appreciative.

He will not, however, leave the house with the exception of a five minute trip to the local shop to get a newspaper. We therefore spent the whole of a Bank Holiday weekend in the house looking longingly out at the sunshine.

I have never really had a conversation with my dad. Not that I can remember anyway. He's pretty deaf and although he has state-of-the-art hearing aids, he chooses not to wear them. His idea of a conversation actually comes across as a bit of a lecture most of the time. He has hundreds of war stories to tell and they are interesting but it would be nice just to have a two way street for once!

Also there is the spectre of L who must not be mentioned. I know from reading some paperwork of mum's that dad had 'disowned' me after L was born and we made the decision to have him adopted. I am guessing that he may never have spoken to me again but for mum being ill. Or maybe he would - who knows. One of my brothers tells me that dad did say he understands a little better now.

He's a funny old stick - quite prejudiced and racist in an old fashioned (and not very nice) way and he still uses some words that are absolutely unacceptable these days. We were watching a singing programme and he said about one of the singers: "she looks mongoloid that one". I was so shocked I didn't know what to do. Not worth having it out with him - although I wish I had the courage. I wanted to shout: "don't you realise what you just said" however, in his day I suppose that was an acceptable word for Down syndrome. It just makes me angry when I can't even mention L who is so beautiful.

Anyway, he is missing mum badly - and now wants to try to take the doctors to task for not diagnosing the heart problem earlier. I do think he has a point - but it's not going to bring her back and may delay his grieving process.

For my part, I think I am still in the disbelief stage. I haven't cried buckets - although I do see her face every time I close my eyes.

Adoption Latest

2008-05-20T18:49:00.003+01:00

We have had a visit tonight from our social worker and here are the main points:

L is doing very well. He smiles ('beams' was the actual word used!) all the time. He is still very content. He has been a bit constipated but orange and bran has sorted that. He loves his food and had sweet potato today. He is due to see his heart specialist soon so no news yet on his ASD. His big brother is still VERY fascinated with him and climbs into his cot every morning!

The final, final court date is 12 June and no problems are expected. The adoption order should go through fine.

Oh and the best news of all! We have a visit arranged in July. Our contact agreement states one visit every August but we are having it early this first time. It won't be a long visit, but future ones may be a different format. We will probably be able to arrange directly with L's new parents.

I must admit that I am really looking forward to it. I only hope that my emotions stay in check as I don't want in any way for him to pick up on any upset (he's so young though it's not likely).

I suppose that I am a bit out of sorts with mum dying and my pregnancy and stress at work etc etc. I have not been feeling the best. Still sickly and SO very tired. Much worse than when pregnant with L. Also quite a few money worries as my parents were quite in debt and we now have to pitch in to cover the shortfall until we can figure out what to do. As if times were not hard enough - but this is how it is - they did their best for us and now we have to look after dad.

She's gone

2008-04-26T09:26:00.003+01:00

We've had a bad two weeks.

My mum died last Sunday, 20th April 2008 at 5.00pm. She was in hospital and had had a heart valve replacement operation. She was awake for a couple of days afterwards then took a turn for the worse and was sedated until Sunday when they asked us for permission to turn off the machines which really was all that was keeping her alive. She was 72.

She had been having test after test for months. Every one came back all clear. She had no cancer anywhere. At the 11th hour they found that it was the heart valve. It was caused by Rheumatic Fever as a child. They operated straight away. The surgeon told me he had never seen a valve that had got that bad. She wouldn't have lived more than 3 more months anyway. He wished that he had seen her 4 years ago when we could have had a much better outcome. Why the hell didn't they find it earlier. She has been complaining of breathlessness for the last 3 years!!! I just don't get it.

We were all there. My brother and I who both live 5 hours drive away. My sister who lives just round the corner and my brother who lives in Switzerland.

We were all so shocked and if I'm honest I'm not really that upset as yet. I suppose because it does not seem real at the moment. The funeral is on Tuesday afternoon. My sister and I have made the arrangements as dad is unable at this point. I've been lucky, I have never been to a funeral before.

My dad is the thing that upsets me most. This is a man of 83 whom I have never seen show any emotion. He is a tough old soldier. He was in the Royal Air Force and caught the end of the war and was Special Ops after that and involved in conflicts right up to the time that he met mum. He is devastated. They married in 1963 at a later age than was usual in those days. He has never had friends or any outside activities to speak of. She did. Lots. But he was content just with her company.

He says that the thought never entered his head that he would be the one left. He said to me "they talk about love in bloody books - but they haven't got a clue".

A long time after L was born they didn't speak to me at all. Actually a dialogue had only opened again as mum had been in hospital for some tests and hubby and I went up there to visit. Thankfully the ice had been broken and she did say that she understood a little better why we had chosen the path we did for L. Dad has never spoken about that subject and never will. It does make things a little uncomfortable.

I regret that I had to put her through that situation when she was obviously so ill.

Court date approaches

2008-04-12T08:40:00.003+01:00

We had a visit from our social worker this week. The final reports and papers etc are being prepared. The contact arrangements (which are not legally binding - just noted) are to be one letter each February and one visit each August. I am assuming that means we can see L this August which will be lovely (and also a little scary in a way).

Written in is also that we may take him a small gift when we have a visit. Also that hubby's parents may send a letter each February - but they are not allowed visits. Another issue is that we may not send birthday cards or gifts. His birthday must be kept only for his family. I think hubby's parents have found this hard as they are big on birthdays (as is usual with a family!). My family never have been. In fact, I'm not even sure when my brothers and my sisters birthdays are.

L is doing very well she tells us and is 18lbs and looking very beautiful. His older brother is really enjoying having him around.

I told her that we were pregnant again. She did seem rather shocked at first. I know she is worried about the emotional effect on us - hey, so were we - but time is of the essence at my age! I thought it would also take a little pressure off L's new parents who may still be worried prior to the final signing of papers that we could change our minds. I wanted them to know that we love L but are confident that he is is a good place and that we are getting on with our lives.

We passed some pictures to her to add to his 'Life Book' but unfortunately I have very few of my family where hubby has loads of his.

I would really love to see how he looks now. He will be changing so quickly.

AAAhhhhh!!

2008-03-30T11:47:00.004+01:00

So....last week on a daily news programme there was section about........wait for it.....

National No Make-Up Day

Not a word anywhere at all on World Down Syndrome Day. Not a peep. But a whole TEN minutes dedicated to taking our make-up off for the day.

AAAAhhhhh!!!

World Down Syndrome Day

2008-03-21T10:53:00.005Z

Today is World Down Syndrome Day - although it does not appear to be marked in any big way in the UK. I emailed the Down's Syndrome Association here in the UK to see what events may be taking place that I could attend but have not had a reply. They have very little on their web-site about it although it does look like they had a Down's Syndrome Awareness Week in June 2007 so maybe there will be a week in June this year.

I am disappointed. I thought there would be something we could go to today to show some support - even if we have to travel a fair way but I can't find anything on the Internet. Of course it's also a Bank Holiday which may make a difference.

I guess we'll just have a quiet day and think of our little boy (not that we don't think about him everyday!) and all the other kids and adults out there with Ds and their families.

We have had no news now for almost two months, but we try to be patient. It's not our place now to call our Social Worker and ask for news. Mind you, if it goes on much longer I will have to call.

Back and rather sick

2008-03-01T15:05:00.005Z

Well I've had quite a long break from blogging, although I have still been 'visiting'.

I found out that I was pregnant not long after my last post. First try (again) ... we are very lucky people.

I really didn't expect it to be so quick. I thought we would have months for things to settle down a bit and for my body to get fully back to normal after L's birth last August.

I am very sick. Even worse than last time. I can manage with difficulty till around 2pm then need to throw up. Very violently. Then whatever else I eat the rest of the day comes back up too. I can honestly say that I feel terrible...all day. It's hard to function. I worry that I am not getting enough nutrients but there is not much I can do about it. Thankfully I did take the multivits & folic acid for a couple of months before conception.

I'm in bed now - on a sunny Saturday afternoon. Can't face getting up.

Of course we are pleased, but there are so many other emotions at the moment and it wasn't the same thrill at the sight of the positive result that it was last time.

I'm also only 8 weeks so it's early days yet.

That damn question yet again!!

2008-02-10T18:46:00.000Z

I spoke to one of the pilates instructors today at the gym and she asked about my child. I've been going for a while and she's nice so I told her briefly what had happened. The first thing she said was:

Didn't you have the amnio?

If I had a pound for everytime..blah...blah...you know the rest!

I know, I know, I know that it isn't meant in an uncaring or nasty way. I really do. But I am sick of it nevertheless.

Isn't it obvious that it's either:

yes I did and chose to continue = don't ask that question

or

no I didn't = no need to ask that question.

So the visit ....

2008-02-09T10:42:00.001Z

Sorry this is a bit of a long one!

It must have been the first time that we have had our social worker visit without me crying. I managed with just a little tearing up at times - but no full blown tears.

I wonder what she thinks?

I'm sure she's seen it all before. People start to heal and things don't seem so bleak. I will admit that it was my intention to deliberately portray over-positiveness. And I think I more-or-less achieved it. There is a time that you need to start looking forward whist still being mindful of the past.

Anyway, down to little L. He had been having trouble with broncilitus and his new mum had taken him in to hospital to be checked a couple of times. She was called back in after one visit and told he had pneumonia. He's such a quiet little lad, never fussing or crying. In fact it wasn't until after the pneumonia diagnosis that his mum realised he had in fact been a little subdued.

That said, he is all better now. He is growing (I was not given any weight). He is following things (mostly his big brother who apparently fascinates him!) with his eyes very well. He is starting to get more of a covering of downy hair - which is the same auburn as my husband's. And our social worker says he has my shape face and my big blue eyes (well mine are more greeny-grey actually) so he looks most like me. I must admit that this is such a nice thing to hear!

He is due to have another appointment with the cardiac specialist to check out his ASD and I will get some information following this. The next adoption review meeting (standard practice) is on the 22nd Feb but we are not invited this time.

His new parents have expressed a wish to move forward with the application for adoption and the social workers involved both sides will now start preparing the documents. The court date should be around the end of April/beginning of May. The day will most probably be marked as a special one with photographs and a celebration etc. I think this is nice. The day when he officially becomes their son should indeed be special. I expect that we will be telephoned to say that the legalities have been completed. It will be a funny sort of day for us really.

We spoke again about his 'life book' which needs doing but is not urgent. Better to get it right than to rush it. I have to work on picking out photos of us, of our pasts, of our families to try to build a story that will show who we are and where he came from. Our social worker imagines that it will be more pictorial than text - as we do not know what his reading level will be. Of course, I know this is true but like everyone else I feel uncomfortable with this early assessment of his abilities.

We also spoke further about our contact arrangements which need to be fleshed out in the court documents. I am still keen to ask for the maximum that can be arranged - always bearing in mind that only if this turns out to be in L's best interest as time goes on. Hubby is still unsure as to how he will cope with his emotions and cannot commit to contact. If we do see him every year, perhaps photos will be taken as something for L to look back at and I feel that it is important for hubby not to be absent. However, I am not about to force him, I will just try to persuade! I remember back to how he has had to come to things in his own time. How he was unable at first to visit me and L in the hospital and then how he managed a brief 2 minutes with his son. How he couldn't come along to the first weekly visits I had with L but then joined in and became part of that routine. It was so very, very hard for him, but he did do it. I think he may come round to this too in time.

Who knows what is going to happen in the future. For my part, all I can say is that I feel like I have not a physical but an emotional responsibility to L for the rest of my life. He will always be my first child. The last thing I want to do is carry on and act like he was never there. I know that this is what some people have chosen when travelling this path, but it's not for me.

Lastly, she didn't have any photos of him for me. She was due to visit L the next night (last Wed) and did say that there were some photos of him for us with his new family and that she would drop them off. I covered it but I was upset not to have any. She hasn't dropped them off yet either. I can't be too pushy though, can I? I don't suppose I have the right. And after all, it may be that we only get them once a year after the adoption goes through.

Honky Tonk

2008-02-06T18:29:00.000Z

Wanted to get rid of 'FallingDown' when commenting but after wrestling with it I am not ready to use my real name yet. Hubby has strangely taken to calling me this recently. I don't know why or where it came from. He is odd at times. Anyway, that's me now!

ps - what is going on with the blog post spell-checker??? Anyone else's not working?

New name

2008-02-04T22:30:00.000Z

A really great mum that I read suggested that I change my blog name to something a little more upbeat. I realise now that FallingDown probably wasn't the best choice so I have been experimenting.

Things feel so much better now that I have decided upon this....I love Streisand you see!

(I saw her at Madison Square Garden once. WOW!!! That was the trip of a life-time. I loved NY and she was just so amazing. Not everybody would agree, but to me she is worth every penny. I am only sorry I missed her concerts this time round).

First visit in a long while

2008-02-04T22:16:00.001Z

Our social worker is coming round to see us tomorrow.

We haven't seen her since the 11th Dec. I do hope that L's family have given her some more photos for us. I don't want to get my hopes up and be disapointed, but I would really love it.

It will be great to get some news too. I know that he is okay or we would have been contacted.

I suppose now is when we start work on the final papers and also the 'Life Book' for L. This will include photos of us and our families etc and will be used as an aid to help explain to him as he grows that - well I don't know how they will do it actually - that he had another mummy and daddy?? I don't know. I just know that the adoption process these days puts a lot of emphasis on this side of things which I think can only be good.

When we met L's new mum last November, she did say to me "Don't worry, I promise he will know who you are".

Hubby is off on holiday all this week. I have to save mine (in case we do get pregnant again this year) plus I am really busy at work right now. He is doing jobs. A bit of painting. A bit of mending.

And.

He is going to plant a herb garden.

What a man! I thank my lucky stars every day I bumped into him in that bar 5ish years ago.

Kenya

2008-02-04T19:00:00.000Z

The current situation in Kenya is no doubt a worry to my sister and her husband. As we don't really talk though, I can only assume.

She and her husband have been taking a two week holiday in the same hotel for the past 6 years. They got married there in 2005. Apart from one of my brothers, we all travelled for the nuptials - which was difficult for my ageing parents.

They sponsor a child there, although not 'officially'. He is the child of a waiter that they became friendly with. They pay for his school fees and uniforms etc and also send money on a regular basis into a bank account they have set up for the family. He is the only child in their circle who goes to school. These people are so poor so any little spare cash can help. I usually send some along when they go but this year I missed it with everything happening to us here etc.

The little boy is called Suli and is around 5 or 6 I think now. We visited the communal block they share with several other families. They are considered reasonably well off actually but have very little. It is hard to see poverty like that sometimes, it breaks your heart.

We went out shopping with Suli's mum to get her a dress to wear to the wedding as the whole family were very much a part of the celebrations.

The wedding was hilarious. The video has to be the most awful, cheesy, amateur wedding video ever, but my sister and her hubs love it anyway. Things got started about 4.30pm (after the heat died down) with a procession all through the gardens of the hotel with flower petals being strewn on the paths in front of dad with my sis on his arm. We then had the ceremony, a cake, champagne, dancing and even a band.

I am hoping that they are well and not too near any of the violence of recent weeks. Even so, their reliance on tourism for work will no doubt become an issue.

Lately

2008-02-01T23:50:00.000Z

I have retreated a long, long way inside myself. I am very busy at work. I am taking on a lot more and am booked to go on a course. I have the play to learn, gigs with the band coming up, gym three times a week and I am still working weekends at the restaurant. So busy, busy, busy.

Every night I get home and promise myself that I will make some calls. Get in touch with my/our friends (the ones we have left anyway!). Answer emails. Catch up on Facebook. Arrange lunch dates or chats over coffee. But the truth of the matter is I just don't want to talk at the moment. Not to anybody really. Sadly not even that much to my husband. All I want to do is read my blogs, look up DS on the internet and be by myself.

And be quiet.

I suppose it's a delayed reaction to the endless talking over of the diagnosis and the adoption and the aftermath. We had many meetings with our social worker. I had therapy sessions. Hubby and I spoke about it at every available moment.

Suddenly it has stopped. I've got nothing more to say.

I don't feel devastated any more. I don't really feel all that much at the moment. Just numb. And sad.

We started trying again this month. It's not joyful like before because it doesn't feel right. I wish so much that we could leave it a respectable time. Two years or more maybe. Time for L and his new family. Time for us to adjust to what has happened. Time enough so that I wouldn't have the nagging feeling that it's wrong, it's not fair on L for us to try again so soon. I bloody well wish we could wait. But at forty I just can't. It's got to be now. And I hate that it has to be this way.

Double shift

2008-01-26T23:49:00.000Z

I worked a double shift at the restaurant today. 11.30 to 4 then 7 to 10. I used to do that every weekend but mostly these days I just work one evening. They are short staffed so I worked the lunchtime to help out.

Every Saturday throughout the whole of my pregnancy with L the same older couple came in for lunch. We got quite friendly and always had a long chat before they left (providing it wasn't too busy). I haven't seen them since I stopped working there about 2 weeks before L was born. I have heard though that they still come in regularly and always ask about me.

It was really lovely to see them again today. It just so happened that I had all my photos of L in my handbag and got to show him off. They were SO pleased to see me again - and likewise.

They were with their daughter and grandson who is around 4. It turns out that not only does he have the same first name as L, but also the same middle name. What an unusual coincidence.

It was so nice to talk about L. They were great and thought him just gorgeous (which he is!). Their daughter has a friend who also has a little boy with Down syndrome. She sometimes helps out with him so it was great to discuss how L was doing with her (as much as I know about him at the moment that is - no information since my call to our social worker).

Lets face it, I love to talk about him and so many people feel uncomfortable about it that it's just great to get the chance. I could discuss him for hours!

Inevitable changes

2008-01-24T23:13:00.000Z

I am really, really tired. It is after 11pm and I have just got back from play rehearsals after a really long day in the office. I do NEED to go to bed but had to get some thoughts down.

Tonight I asked for a word to be cut from the play. I didn't want to say it. It would not have bothered me in the past but it does now. The line was "he was a cripple". I just can't say that.

I know that the play is set in the late 20s and that is how they spoke then. But I just can't. I had made up my mind to bring it up - and I did. As a compromise to the era I said that, if forced, I would say "crippled" instead but that I would prefer not to use either. It was agreed we would cut altogether. I am so glad I brought it up.

It's only a tiny little thing, but there is no doubt that having L has changed me. Made me think about things differently.

The producer also asked me if I was going to get down to a size 8 for the production! Cheeky mare! Not likely when I am a size 14 right now (and trying for a baby - that would frighten her if she knew!!)

Dolphins

2008-01-23T20:04:00.000Z

A friend sent me this to cheer me up. It's lovely. Very calming.

Our Wedding

2008-01-22T22:54:00.000Z

We got married not far from the base of Table Mountain. It was winter in South Africa and it rained in Cape Town just before and just after the wedding - and for the next 6 days. We were looked after that day!

Hubby was worried that he would cry during the ceremony, but it ended up being me who broke down. These were the vows:

I _________ take you___________
to be my (husband /wife).

Secure in the knowledge
that you will be my constant friend,
my faithful partner in life,
and my one true love.

In the presence of these witnesses,
I promise to stay by your side
Through all that life has for us,
In good times - and difficult times,
In times of joy - and in times of sorrow.
And I promise - to love you without reserve,
For as long as we both shall live.

The giving and receiving of the rings

This ring symbolises – the union of your life with mine.
Your dreams are now my dreams,
Your hopes are now my hopes,
Your fears are now my concern,
And your love is my joy,
Today and for the rest of our lives.

Hubby is not used to drinking champagne. We got married at 4.30pm and he was in bed drunk by 6.30pm. I had dinner in bed watching TV - occasionally bashing him around the head with the bouquet as he slept. We laugh about it now, but I sure was mad at him that night!!

My man

2008-01-20T21:41:00.000Z

I am loving 'Men in Trees'. I don't know if we are on the same series as the US, but here Lynn has just left Elmo.

This week's episode had a little bit about Celia finding out that her man is younger than her. It got me thinking about me and hubby.

I am 40. He is 28. A BIG gap. Like Celia said, it's okay now but what happens when the gap starts to show?

Well I am pretty sure nothing will happen. We are past the stage now where looks are the important thing. Too much has happened. But it wasn't always like that, for me anyway. I used to worry a lot about how he would feel when things started to head south. I even considered Botox very briefly (for about a minute) before we got married - so I wouldn't look like his mum in the photos!

As far as I can tell, the age difference has never been an issue for him. His friends thought it was hilarious when we first met (he was 23 but told me he was 27) and I'm sure his parents were a little worried until they met me.

Of course the only issue was whether it was too late for us to try for a family. I can't lie and say that it was something we desperately longed for. We said if it happened, so be it. If not, then life would be great anyway. Of course I feel so differently now and we have even discussed the possibility of fertility treatment if things don't happen for us again. If we would actually go through with that is another thing. I'm not altogether sure we would.

There are some dark days when I look at him and wish for his sake that he had married himself a fresh young girl with plenty of good fertile years left in her. He won't have this said, of course.

I've had some pretty awful relationships in the past and never got even near the settling down stage. People used to say to me, "You'll know when you meet the 'one'". I always though that was rubbish.

Until I met him. I knew straight away. And I knew we would be together forever. I don't know how or why. I just knew.

It was a LONG time coming, but oh so worth the wait!

Here is a photo.We got married in
South Africa in June 2006.
Just the two of us.
It was fantastic.

Got a bit brave there and added a photo. Chicken again today, photo removed.

News!!

2008-01-15T17:54:00.001Z

Spoke to our social worker. Visits are still weekly and she saw him last Friday.

She said she had not been in contact because she wanted to give us some space after the hard time we went through. Hmm. A nice sentiment (and she really is lovely and very caring) but I just want to know how L is.

Anyway...he is 15lbs! He is just over 23 weeks, is that a decent weight?

He has had Broncilitus but has seen a doctor and is okay. He meets his new paediatrician on the 23 January. There does not seem to be any problem with his heart.

He is holding his head up well and is very interested in his older brother. Watching him with a keen interest. He is still very quiet but a contented and happy baby.

That was it. There is so much more I would love to know.

The next adoption review is on the 22 February. After that the social worker visits will go down to fortnightly.

34 days.....

2008-01-14T20:02:00.000Z

...since we had any news of our little boy.

I've tried hard and have been pretty upbeat. I am keeping myself busy, busy, busy. I have been so very patient and given our social worker plenty of leeway but now I just want to hear something. L has to be visited by our social worker every two weeks for the next few months so I know she must have been to see him. I am going to phone first thing in the morning.

I know that this is how it's going to be from now on. Waiting for bits of news.

I want to know how he's sleeping. How he's eating. Is his head control getting better? What does he weigh? Does he make any sounds yet? Is he smiling? Has he had another hearing test? When is his next appointment with the heart specialist? And his eyes. Are they still that fantastic blue they were the last time I saw him? How's his poo? I want to know it all. I am greedy for news.

More, and more I can see that information every six months (the standard social services agreement) is going to be very hard to deal with and I hope, hope, hope with all my heart that this couple will give us more than that.

Are you out there?

2008-01-13T16:30:00.000Z

In the spirit of being brave (for a change), I have decided to open this blog to anonymous comments.

I know I may be setting myself up for a fall here but I would hate it if somebody is going through a hard time out there somewhere and can't get in touch.

I know it's what I would have liked when I was there. (Of course I am still 'there' but just a bit further on).

I hope I won't regret this, me being so absurdly over-sensitive and all!

Gig

2008-01-13T11:44:00.000Z

Actually it was okay.

There is another club nearby who had a well known UK 'proper' (i.e. professional) band on and so most of the usual crowd were not there last night and nobody asked me a thing!

We played 8.45pm (after the bingo!) till around midnight with a short break (for the raffle!). Hardly any dancers but it was an older group for the most part. We were probably a bit too loud for them. Several people asked for our details afterwards. We also had a group in who have provisionally booked us for a wedding in March and wanted to check us out. They seemed happy when they left so hopefully the booking will be confirmed. We are a darn site cheaper than other 6 piece bands (this being our hobby and not a money-making exercise). We do prefer private gigs. We get fed and watered and the crowd are there to have a good time which makes things easier for us.

You know what though? It is SO MUCH BETTER since the smoking ban came in.

Gigging again

2008-01-12T19:20:00.000Z

Tonight I have gig. I sing with a 'covers' band and tonight we are at a local social club. We have a list of about 70 songs and usually do between 40 and 50 at a gig. We cover lots of stuff: rock & roll, The Beatles, Queen, all the 70s disco stuff, Aretha Franklin, Tina Turner, The Police, Fleetwood Mac, Scissor Sisters, The Eagles, Joss Stone, James Blunt, too, too many to name.

Tonight we concentrate on the 'dancier' numbers to try to get them on the floor.

We have played this venue quite a few times and the last time was just over a month before L was born. I did quite a few gigs 'with' him and I like to think he enjoyed it. I had thought that my days of gigging were over for a while when he came along so tonight is a little sad for me.

I am also very nervous because it is likely that I will be asked how things went with the birth etc. I find it a struggle. I don't want to lie but it is personal and I don't really know these people.

Will just have to see how it goes.

Moments

2008-01-11T20:14:00.000Z

How can I not include this comment to me from Dave in my 'Moments' file.

This touched me more than I can say and will stay with me forever:

God bless you, and God bless your child - loved by two mothers - even if held in only one set of arms.

Whew!

2008-01-11T19:09:00.000Z

Ok, I am back to looking! I have checked in with everyone (over 40 blogs) and, for the most part, everyone is fine which is good to know. It's quite easy to become a little emotionally attached to strangers once you have had a little peek into their lives. I care, I really do.

I over-reacted. I am a very daft 40 year old (who still feels like a child most of the time).

I spent a few hours reading a blog one night and the next day it was blocked. I thought it was to stop me visiting. It wasn't and I was very silly to think so. And arrogant. And paranoid.

It's sorted now and I apologise for the previous post.

I have always been so worried about what others think of me. I struggle to say no, I work hard not to say anything to upset anyone, I want everyone to like me. I am afraid to change hairdressers, cancel appointments, take goods back to shops - all because I don't want the person I am talking to to think badly about me - even if I will never, ever see them again. It doesn't even matter if they never actually say anything to me - I can agonise for DAYS over what I think people might be thinking about me. Crazy. And tiring.

I never knew 'blogging' existed. I've only had a lap-top since last June and only started using it regularly when L was born and I needed to research Down syndrome. This is when I 'found' blogs. Great ones that have been a life-line to me. I am in a different situation though and, yes, I do feel uncomfortable lurking around. BUT. I am not a 'troll' (is that the term?). I hope to be involved in some way with L for the rest of my life. I want to be as educated as possible to be able to understand him and his life with what could possibly be infrequent information.

Now I have to be grown up and have the courage to be true to my original reason for starting my own blog.

The hope that someone who is feeling as desperate as I did in those first few days will be able to find me and see that they are not alone in the choice they have made.

Show them that adoption can work out okay. Or. Maybe even show them that parenting can also?

Is this what you think?

2008-01-06T13:59:00.001Z

That I shouldn't look because we chose not to take our child home?
That I don't love him, that I don't miss him, that I don't feel loss.
That I could somehow lessen the excellent Down syndrome advocacy message by my presence?
That I may somehow direct the wrong people your way.

I am just words on a page. You can't see into my heart. You can't know me.

Maybe you don't know that I look because I do love my child. Because I like to read and imagine how he is getting on with his new family. Imagine them giving him all the love and care that I read about. That is all I have at the moment. And I am sorry if you don't like me looking.

Maybe it is time for me to stop looking.

Moments

2008-01-05T15:50:00.000Z

Last time this blogger made me cry in a good way. This is the opposite. It's awful. Awful. I don't feel I can comment on his site, though I would like to. Would be great if you could.

This year's play

2008-01-05T15:09:00.000Z

I am currently trying to learn my part in this play which will be performed in our local theatre during the first week in May. It's an old play with lots of 'darling!' and 'old boy' and all that. It's not bad. My character is supposed to be 28 and beautiful (!). Hmm. Well, my "lover" in the play is supposed to be in his 30's and the guy playing him is 65. We are ordering him a wig so it could be okay, tee hee. (I am worried because the other night he told me he was really looking forward to practicing the kissing scenes!!!)

This will be only my third with this amateur company as usually I do musicals. The first was 'The Winslow Boy' where I played the daughter, Catherine. A fantastic play and a wonderful part. Last year's was not such a good one but I enjoyed it. Not too sure yet about this year's. We will have to wait and see. The director is very focused and I am hoping it will turn out to be a hit.

My character is in the early stages of pregnancy. It does not say how far, but not far enough to show too much. Blimey, with a bit of luck, I might be doing a bit of "method" acting with this one!

The Holiday aftermath

2008-01-04T19:17:00.000Z

"Well, how was your Christmas?" Was back into work Wednesday and have been asked this SO MANY TIMES!

I wish I could just say, 'yeah, wow, it was so fantastic, wonderful etc...', and then ask them how there's was. I know that is the best thing to do but I just have never been good at covering up or lying about my feelings. Still, I tried hard and managed to say, "it was okay". I just couldn't beef it up to sound like we had a great time. That is what they want to hear after all. It's a stock question that everyone asks, like, 'how was your weekend' every Monday. I'm just not good at it.

Anyway - actually it was okay!

We had a bad hour or so around midnight on Christmas Eve. We were both feeling very down. I came upstairs to use my lap-top and hubby was downstairs. He'd been quiet down there for a while and I found him weeping in the kitchen. So we had a really big cry together then went to bed.

Christmas Day was nice. We had champagne with a late breakfast (I made a hot salad with bacon, spinach, croutons and poached egg) and our dinner was wonderful. Hubby did a fantastic job with the duck and all the trimmings.

I waitressed for a few hours on Boxing Day and we had leftovers for tea. We went to the gym a few times on the run-up to New Year's Eve when we had a nice meal and a few drinks (my last for a long while now hopefully.....).

We didn't know how it would be but we enjoyed being by ourselves and had a good laugh. Next year I have promised hubby's mum that we will be at their house which she was very pleased about.

So, well, yes. I guess things are okay.

The History of L - Part VI

2008-01-03T19:08:00.000Z

The longest night, the hardest weekend.

Hubby was waiting in the car which was parked right outside the hospital - in the no parking zone - he didn't care. I hadn't seen him for more than a few hours in the last 4 days. I got in and we drove off in silence. We stopped at a garage to buy a couple of bottles of wine. Still in silence. MIL & FIL were in the car behind us. We live close to the hospital so were home within 15 minutes.

We opened a bottle of wine and each had a glass. The four of us sat in the garden in the sunshine being polite. Saying what we thought were the right things. What else could we do?

MIL & FIL left after about an hour. It was now around 4pm, I suppose. I can't remember. Hubby went out for more wine. I went upstairs to look into our second bedroom, the room that had been the nursery. Everything was gone. All evidence that there had been a baby expected. The cot, changing table, clothes, presents. All gone. (The same day L was born, his uncles, MIL & FIL cleared everything out and it is all currently in storage at one of hubby's uncles houses). The only evidence was the birthing ball - now deflated and hidden in the cupboard under the stairs, the TENS machine and my maternity clothes.

We watched 3 movies in a row. I just felt numb. Once it started to get dark I began to panic a bit. I hadn't slept in days but knew I wouldn't be able to drop off. Hubby was really tired and needed to sleep but didn't want to leave me alone. I was feeling so desperate. Such bad, bad feelings that I can't even begin to describe them properly. We had both been sobbing on and off all evening.

I could still smell L on me. I could feel the touch of his soft head against my lip. I kept touching my lip over and over to try and somehow feel close to him again. I was beginning to feel panic.

By around midnight I knew I had to do something to help hubby get some rest. He had a phone number for an employee 24 hour helpline provided by his company. I would ring to talk to someone while he had a few hours kip. I called them and it was rubbish really. They were not set up for this kind of 'problem' but did say they could make an appointment for us for the following week. Not too useful. Hubby had now fallen asleep upstairs and I really started to panic.

But I am nothing if not resourceful. I called the Samaritans.

I talked to a lady for 3 hours. Enough time for hubby to have a rest. It did help me to calm down a little. Of course, once it had been established that I was unlikely to take my own life that evening, the lady eventually had to finish the call (she probably needed the loo by then anyway).

Hubby should have been attending a golf event the following day along with a friend of ours (a couple with a baby girl who we were previously very friendly with - sadly we are not anymore. Well actually, hubby still sees the husband occasionally but we have no contact with his wife at all - I can imgine what she thinks of me.) He didn't want to go but I wanted him to get out and do something normal. Just have a few hours away from the dreadful pain of this situation. He wouldn't go without me so I agreed to go along and wait in the clubhouse with some of the other women.

I got ready. Washed my hair, put on make up. All in a daze. I still couldn't see how everything and everybody could just be carrying on as it had before. How? When I had held my little boy and then come home without him.

We drove to the golf club. Hubby's closest golf partners that day knew what had happened although nobody mentioned anything. I was introduced to their female friends, girlfriends & wives. They didn't know I had even had a baby. I sat with the ladies for a couple of hours drinking Pimms in the sunshine, chatting about 'stuff'.

All I can say is: HOW SURREAL! There I was having just come out of hospital. Having just had a baby. A baby! Just 5 days ago! Still bleeding. Stitches hurting. Tubular bandage around my middle for separated stomach muscles. I found it hard to follow and participate in much conversation, but I tried. I smiled a little. And I tried. I am sure they thought I was weird. (I sometimes wonder if that is why the lady I mentioned earlier will no longer speak to us. As well as disapproving of our choice - did she think that I went along to the golf club for a 'jolly' with no thought at all about our son!!)

Eventually I just couldn't bear it any longer. I had the number of our social worker's office. I needed to speak to her. I needed to know that L was alright. I knew he would be. I just needed to hear it. It was now Friday afternoon and I knew I could not go through the whole weekend without hearing about L. I walked off into a quiet area of the car park to make the call. I finally got through and left a message. She called me back around twenty minutes later. Yes he was fine. He had slept well and had fed fine. His foster carer was enjoying having him with her. No problems. I made the social worker promise to call me the next day to let me know how he was. She said she would.

I also wanted to know if I would still have a health visitor? Did I need to see the doctor again? How would I know the stitches were all right? Would we have any help, support, visits? Anything!!!! I called our GP's surgery. They didn't know. The receptionist said someone would call me back after the weekend. I felt so alone, so frightened.

Back at home we went to bed early and cried for hour after hour together. We slept little. In the morning we packed a small bag and left. We had to get away from that house and it's empty spare room. We drove down south and checked in to a B&B near my friend N's house. We were invited to have dinner with her and her parents. People who had no judgement, who wanted nothing more than to give us a pleasant evening, talk about L if we wanted to to, not if we didn't. And it was a pleasant evening. A small respite. It was a clear night and we sat in the garden of their lovely cottage, around the chimenea, ate and drank and chatted about life. And about L. That night meant a lot to us and we will never forget it.

The next morning once I had my 'fix' of news from our social worker, we had planned to take off in the car. Go where the road took us. We drove for a bit then changed direction and headed to hubby's parents house. We were so dazed we couldn't even think of where to drive to. We spent the next few days there. They live by the sea and the four of us went for long walks and sat reading our books, listening to the waves. It was calming. Well, a little. I still couldn't sleep much though and spent the nights on the Internet - more research.

We came back to the house the night before our first meeting with our social worker since the hospital.

Reading back through this it just sounds pathetic. There is so much more to it but my words can't do it justice. Probably because I just want to write it quickly so I don't have to relive it in so much brightness now that it has dimmed just a little.

Canada

2008-01-01T18:00:00.000Z

The car incident has got us talking about moving to Canada again. We started off discussing whether we should move from this part of town and then went on to possibilities further afield.

We have a small house, an end-terrace of four in a row. The house is about 100 years old. We have two small bedrooms, bathroom, kitchen, living room. A small back garden with a bit of grass and some decking. That is it. It's small - but pretty damn perfect really! It's got everything we need and we don't need any more.

Our road used to be the main one but has now been by-passed. We are on the bus route. We have great neighbours - both sides. We have no houses opposite. If I lie in bed and look out of the window all I can see are trees (put in to screen the main road). It's a good view. It's a good house. Hubby did well to find it. He moved in four months before me and did a lot of work on it himself before I moved over. (I lived in Jersey - Channel Islands - when we met.)

The only problem is that it is sandwiched between two council housing estates. I don't want to sound snobby. I am not like that, promise. But the honest truth is that if you do live in an area with council housing then sometimes there can be trouble. Just like we are getting now. Our neighbour thinks he is being targeted. A few months ago a heroin addict was found doing his thing at the side of the house four doors up. Even if you caught these youngsters at some mischief now, you couldn't disturb them or even be seen to call the police. Who knows if they are carrying knives? Who knows whether they will smash your windows or burn your car if they find out you have reported them. I feel frightened in my own house now, and I am only 40. It must be so awful for our neighbours who are mostly retired.

We only ever intended to have one child so didn't foresee any need to move and, anyway, we live in one of the most expensive counties in the South East of England. House prices are a joke. We simply couldn't afford a bigger house in this area. The mortgage is bad enough on this one. We could move to a cheaper area of the country I suppose. But what about jobs and salaries? It's all relative.

So, once more Canada has come up. (We first discussed this when L was born. We went to visit hubby's relatives who live in the Kingston & Ottowa area. We wondered whether we could move there with L. Or move there without L. We needed to explore all avenues. I would not have to work in Canada which would be better for L. Here daycare costs around £1,000 a month, £54 a day!!!! - which makes things so hard. We could buy a decent house almost outright maybe.) It seems so attractive at the moment. A plot of land. A bigger house. A safe area. No drunk, scary teenagers carrying weapons walking past every night kicking at your car.

Of course we don't know how possible it would actually be. Hubby does have a lot of relatives there and we would be able to look after ourselves financially. I think it is a 'points' system but I am not sure if we have quite enough. I would be too afraid anyway of trying for another baby in a new country. I was afraid enough here. I so desparately wanted to be a great mother but was so scared of coming up short. And after all - I did - didn't I?

Anyway, this small incident has been that proverbial straw that broke you-know-what and everything seems blacker and bleaker than it did before.

Stupidity?

2007-12-30T12:30:00.000Z

I am really pissed off. Hubby has been outside talking to our neighbour and has just come back in to tell me that the wing mirror of our car has been knocked off. He's outside now, fixing it on with tape. The cost of replacement is around £250+, so not worth claiming on insurance for, but £250 we could do without spending.

This is not the road-side wing mirror. It is the one on the pavement side. It isn't an accident. It is deliberate. And it's not the first time it's happened around us. It's the third time for our neighbour in the last two weeks. Several people further up the street have had the same experience. One even had his wall kicked down. Six months ago, several cars down along our road had their car windows smashed in with bricks.

We are not talking adult criminals here - these are kids. I don't like the term really, but yes, they are 'hoodies'. Probably from 12 upwards. Who knows? People further up the street say they saw a gang of about 12 of them around 10pm last night. We were in and the car is parked right outside the house so I wonder why we didn't hear it? I guess they have just got good at it.

It's not like it is even worth fixing - as it will probably happen again. But I suppose that the car won't get through the MOT without it so we will have to. Grrrr. It makes me so mad.

I remember what it was like to be a teenager. Yes, I did do some stupid things. I did hang around the streets with my mates. I was a little wild for a bit. But I never, ever damaged someone else's property. OOOOhhhh I am so annoyed.

Moments

2007-12-29T16:27:00.000Z

I check in with this blogger regularly and liked this post I read today. Obviously it means more to me because of the Down syndrome. But it still speaks of small acts of kindness that can mean so much. There are many times, I am sure, when we see something happening and we want to help in some small way but are afraid to. Afraid of the reaction we might get, afraid of a knock-back, afraid of looking stupid. So much fear. I think like this all the time. I want to stop and help people with heavy shopping bags. I want to give people waiting at the bus stop in the rain a lift.

Wouldn't it be nice not to have that fear? To just do the good dead that your heart is telling you to do? Wouldn't it be great if we were all like this?

The Christmas Beard

2007-12-24T14:05:00.000Z

As long as I can remember my dad has had white hair and a white beard. Every now and then mum will sit him down in the kitchen, put a t-towel around his shoulders and cut bits off with the kitchen scissors to 'tidy him up'. I spoke to her earlier and it's going to happen today (they are out tomorrow to lunch at my sister's house). It's time for a tidy up. (This is how it looks immediately after).

It made me think of a story mum told me last year about something that happened when they had been shopping at their local supermarket. Apparently, it was not the first time that this had happened. It seems that younger children often take a second or third glance at dad around this time of year.

They were standing in the queue for the cashier. A little girl a few paces behind in the line was staring at dad intently. She tugged at her mum's coat and whispered 'Is it him?'. 'Shh!', said her mum. 'But it's HIM!' insisted the little girl. My mum said, 'Why don't you ask him? My dad bent down (not too far - he's somehow only 5ft now - I'm sure he used to be a giant!) and the little girl whispered in his ear 'Is it you?'. 'What do you think?', said dad. The little girl solemnly nodded, 'Yes'. 'Well, you be a good girl and let's see what Christmas Day brings'. 'Okay' she nodded again. As they were leaving the supermarket, the little girl waved and whispered, 'Bye bye Santa'.

Merry Christmas!!

Moments

2007-12-24T13:45:00.000Z

I read this today. It isn't a new post (it's actually from last Christmas) but it moved me to tears - in a good way.

Black & White

2007-12-22T20:52:00.000Z

In the Guardian today a columnist wrote:

"It's not that simple.............almost all human situations are complex, ambiguous and shifting. There is always more information, and more emerging information, than you can process, but the crudities of public debate require oppositional postures, the drawing of lines in the dust."

There are some people who were once part of our lives and no longer are because of the decision we have made in having L adopted. There are some relationships that will never be the same again. After believing that I may never speak to my own mother again things are so much better now since she became ill and we needed to speak. I have been able to explain more about our decision. There are some that I will never get the chance to have this conversation with.

Yes, L has been placed for adoption because he has Down syndrome. However much we would wish it to not sound so cold - that is the reality. I am sure that this just looks black and white to some. But life isn't lived in black and white. Once the initial shock of the diagnosis lessened (does that ever completely go away), then there were just so many factors that came in to making a choice like that.

Humbug?

2007-12-22T13:25:00.000Z

Yes, I am afraid that I am a bit of a Christmas humbug. I don't participate. To clarify, I am talking about the secular set of Christmas rituals here. I've just never been in the situation to really get into it (as an adult I mean). I sort of like being by myself and I know that sounds really sad and 'oh be sorry for me', but it isn't. I do like being myself at Christmas. Since I was 15 years old, apart from two I have spent with partner's families, I have either been working or by myself at Christmas.

There are things I remember and loved about Christmas. Just like any other kid I knew the excitement and anticipation of a chimney visit. The half eaten mince pie, half drunk glass of sherry and chewed carrot to prove he had been there. We had stockings with nuts and clementines in them.

It's just all gone a bit too crazy now. People stress out about the present buying and all I hear during the run up is everyone moaning and groaning about it. The gifts seem not to be bought in the spirit of giving, but more of having to make sure you spend the same as you are expecting to receive or give exactly what has been requested. Where is the joy in that? And would all kids now be happy with one 'main' present a few bits and some fruit? From what I see, I think not. Like I said, it's all gone crazy.

This year will only be the second I have spent with hubby. The last 3 years I have been working on Christmas Day (waitressing) and he has stayed over at his parents house. I know now that it's really all about being with family and loved ones. I see that, for the first time.

When I was pregnant with L, we had planned our first 'proper' Christmas. We would get a tree for the first time, and decorations, and have people round. All the things I have never done before. I had planned to buy a very special tree decoration for L and then repeat that every year. We would probably have gone to hubby's parents to show our new baby off to the whole family.

Of course, things didn't work out that way and now we can't really face being with family. Hubby is not going to his parents (a first for him). We are having our own Christmas at home and I am only going to work on Boxing Day for a few hours.

Hubby is a great cook and has bought all we need for a feast. We don't have a tree or any decorations yet but we might get something. At least some nice candles and some flowers. We won't do presents for each other, we never have (me being a humbug as usual). I will take a gift round to my niece who is four, I have sent a large hamper of goodies to mum and dad and we have some fabulous chocolates to take to hubby's mum and two grandmothers this Sunday.

Most importantly, we will be thinking of L. We were given a great photo of him with his new older brother looking on adoringly and his new dad dressed as Father Christmas. He is warm and safe and loved in the cocoon of his lovely new family. I wish we had thought ahead to wrap a present to give to new dad when we met him on the 11th December. We had given L things to take with him to his new home but didn't think ahead to Christmas which is a shame as we will have no contact via our social worker until way after New Year.

This Christmas will be the hardest ever for me, but I have changed in that I understand the meaning of family much, much, more than I did before.

Rambling, rambling, rambling on

2007-12-18T23:28:00.000Z

I've had a bad, bad ,bad couple of days. Of course the truth is that every day is bad. But some days I can sort of get on with life and some days I can't.

On the days when I am feeling really bad what do I do? I spend the whole day looking on the Internet. What am I looking for? Understanding? Comfort? Acceptance? But what is it that I read ALL day and ALL night when I am feeling bad. Stories of parents living with a child with Down syndrome who are happy that their life is the way it is. Who wouldn't change it.

Is that really going to help me? Is it?

So then I search for something else? What do I find. Support for women who have aborted due to a diagnosis of Down syndrome.

Is that really going to help me? Is it?

One makes me feel like I am a really bad person and one makes me afraid of the future. You would think that I would realise by now that I am not going to find the comfort that I am looking for. It is not out there for me. I will only be able to find that comfort within myself - and I just am not able.

I find my feelings fluctuating wildly. One moment I read about a lovely family with a child with DS and hate myself for not being strong enough to be a parent to our boy. The next I feel glad that I have made the best choice I could in the situation. The next I wonder if this was some way of the cosmos telling me that I shouldn't have ever tried to be a mother. The next I am afraid to admit that I wish to lie down, sleep and never wake up again.

Sometimes I feel so bad for what we have done. Not because L will be hurt. He won't. I am still 100% sure that he will have a better life with his new parents. No, I feel bad that I wasn't a good enough person to stand up and take on the challenge. That is the 'it-all-boils-down-to-this' truth. But then, as much as I feel guilty, lost and devastated it has never been enough for me to pick up the phone to our social worker and ask them to arrange for L to come back to us. And I never will.

I can't remember if I've said it before but my husband and I did have an honest discussion about how sure we were that adoption was the right choice. Hubby said he was 99%. I said I was only 70%. I still think that L deserves more than my 30%. And he has it now.

It is really late and I have have wine. After all my trying to get healthy for the 'next time' by not drinking I just couldn't do it.

And this next time thing is just so huge. What the hell do we do? I need to have a CVS or amnio to see if anything is wrong. But what if it is DS again. I can't possibly have a termination after seeing how beautiful my son is (as well as the other beautiful kids I read about). But how could I go through a whole pregnancy knowing I was carrying a baby with T21? How? How could I give a second baby up for adoption? How? My therapist (yes - I do have one) says I wouldn't - not a second time. I just can't bear to think about that. BECAUSE IF MY LIFE IS TO BE LIVED WITH A CHILD WITH DS I WANT IT TO BE L. He is the one I want. I love him.

Did they have the X factor??

2007-12-17T12:19:00.002Z

This weekend was the live final of the X Factor, our UK version of American Idol. There are no age restrictions but, of course, by the time it gets down to the final few usually they are under 25. Not always - but usually.

I felt this year was a bit of a let down after Leona last year. Leon won, which seemed like a big surprise to Rhydian, who at least did offer something a little different. No one can argue that he didn't have the best voice. But not the best future album selling capability maybe? That's what it's about, after all.

I auditioned once. A few years ago. It was not a good experience. I was stupid to think that it would be for me even if I did get through. I can barely stand having my photo taken so how on earth did I think I would be able to manage being constantly filmed???

What people didn't realise in the beginning is that for the first round of auditions you don't see the celebrity judges. Simon Cowell et al are not present at this stage. This first round merely picks out those that may be TV worthy for later on. You audition in front of two unknown people with no TV cameras.

I went along with my friend N. I wasn't keen but she persuaded me. I do have a good voice. But I don't have anything unique. I am not striking or individual enough to make it in the music business, in looks or voice. I can sing anything, often just like the original. I sing a song like it was originally recorded. I don't know what my own 'voice' is. Aretha Franklin, Barbra Streisand, Whitney or Mariah or Celine. But no 'voice' of my own. And that is not what they are looking for.

It was terribly hot the day I auditioned and the queue to register was long. We stood in line in the sun for around 4 hours. The general mood was low. Then along came the TV cameras to 'bank' some lively crowd shots and everyone perked up. Waving at the camera, arms aloft in the now well-known 'I've-got-the-X-Factor' salute. SO FAKE. I just couldn't do it. I knew right then and there that this contest was not for me. I still went and did my thing though. I chose a Barbra tune. I sang it well. It was OK. Fine. They said 'thanks but it's a no'. I was in there less that 3 minutes.

When I came out and found N, she was horrified. 'But what do you mean you didn't get through?', 'I don't get it!', I can't believe this!'. I wasn't good enough - but I also wasn't bad enough to be put through to the next round.

I am sure sensible people realise it now, but back then when it was all starting off I wondered about those poor people who had been selected to go to the next stage. They must have gone home thrilled that they were good enough to make it through. Bursting with excitement and anticipation. Not knowing that they were only going to be there to be funny, to be laughed at. It's no wonder that some of them look aghast when Simon tells them, 'you can't sing'. How can that be when they have already got through the first round? Still everyone knows that now, right? Right?

Singapore

2007-12-16T23:04:00.000Z

My memory of the past is not all that great at times. Often I wonder why that should be. I can remember the words to hundreds and hundreds of songs but I can't recall my childhood with much clarity. Some of my memories come from old family stories. The same tales that have been told over and over.

On a snowy Christmas Eve eve when I was nine we moved to Singapore. The six of us - mum, dad, two girls, two boys. I am the eldest. The two boys are in the middle. My sister was four. We had two suitcases between us. That was it.

We had to meet a man in a brown overcoat who would be carrying a walking stick at the airport. He would give us the tickets we had purchased for the Aeroflot flight. There was no sign of him and our parents panicked. Had we been conned? Eventually he did turn up with very little time to spare. We made the flight. The first flight for us kids. (I don't know about mum, had she been on a flight before? No idea! Dad had been on plenty - and flown them too).

The first stop was Moscow where we had a short stop-over in the airport. Very cold. A lot of uniforms. Unhappy looking people.

The second stop was Bombay. I will never forget the feeling of that whoosh of hot, hot air as the cabin door was opened and we disembarked. And I won't forget the airport toilets either.

We arrived in Singapore at night. Another whoosh of heat but this time humid, not dry. My uncle E (mum's brother - sadly now dead) picked us up along with his Chinese wife, Mai Ling. We were taken to the Mimosa Hotel. I can't forget that. It was not high-end but was comfortable. Cockroaches. This is where we learned (very quickly) that in Singapore it is always a good idea to flick the light on before going into the bathroom to give the cockroaches time to hide themselves.

Next day was Christmas Day and we had a meal at Uncle E's house. I remember green Fanta in a glass bottle. I can almost taste it now. I can smell the joss sticks that Mai Ling had burning on a small shrine. I can't remember what we ate. I can remember that the floor was red. Painted red. Bits would flake off and stick to my feet.

I also remember that my Uncle had a gibbon called Jimmy. He would go along with Uncle E in the car sitting on the wound down window with one arm around Uncle E's neck, face into the wind.

Mai Ling was tiny. Very pretty. Very long, dark, shiny hair. Very long, red, shiny nails. She had three dogs. And a chicken. They 'did their business' on command. Even the chicken. The dogs were shampooed daily. And blow-dried. Not the chicken.

On Boxing Day we went out for our first Chinese meal. A large round table with the 'lazy susan' bit to turn in the middle in order to share the dishes. Sharks Fin soup. Chicken's feet. Squid. All exiting stuff for kids even if we didn't fancy eating it. We learned how to use chop-sticks. We drank more green Fanta.

We experienced a Singapore night market for the first time. So many new smells. So much colour. Everything was so different from anything we had ever known. So many different peoples. Singaporeans are mostly Chinese, Malay and Indian. Stalls full of T-shirts. Trousers. Shoes. Cassette tapes. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds. Endless rows of stalls selling all types of food. Satay sticks everywhere. Soft drinks which were served in small plastic bags with handles and ice and a straw. Ducks hanging everywhere. Odd looking sausage. Always the live chickens. Ice kacang which I could never get used to. The ice bit was nice but I couldn't see what the beans were doing at the bottom. Oh and durian. There's a smell I don't want to remember.

People constantly stopped mum and dad to comment on the 'golden hairs'. Three of us kids were blond. We got a lot of attention. My brother D didn't. He is adopted and had a white mother and an arabic father. After being teased at school in the UK for the colour of his skin, he was now to fit in perfectly.

My Uncle worked at an American school for ex-pats. There was a smaller sister school with only four classrooms. Mum's new job was to be the Head.

Why am I doing this?

2007-12-16T00:27:00.000Z

I first started this blog because of my search for others like me. People giving a baby with Down syndrome up for adoption. Although I have found another couple, I still have never found a blogger writing about this experience (and I still search daily).

What I did find were women (and men) blogging about bringing up kids with Down syndrome.

I started to read. I still do. Everyday. I check in to see what is happening. I love the photos of these beautiful kids. I love the stories. It has helped me so much to read about these other lives. It didn't ultimately change my/our decision about placing L for adoption, but it did help immensely in understanding him and what life was going to be for him.

I have felt from the beginning that I am interloper in the Down syndrome community.

I suppose I never really thought that anyone would actually read but now I know that there have been some visitors. And I am afraid.

I don't want to offend the parents of those great kids I have been reading about. I admire them so much and am very sad that I will never be able to be part of that community. I just wanted to reach out to others in our position.

What I would really like to do is link to the blogs I read in the hope that if even one person is undecided about their path after giving birth to a baby with T21 and they somehow happen to come across me they could then easily find the links which will show them that maybe they could do this. And maybe they would be happy that they did.

Would I be wrong in doing this? I am too afraid to ask.

Mum not good

2007-12-16T00:18:00.000Z

Mum called tonight. I have been calling nearly every day but missed yesterday. I went straight from the office to my evening waitressing job and didn't get chance - then thought it was too late to call when I got home at 11pm.

I missed mum going back into hospital for another transfusion.

Something is obviously not right. It is less than three weeks since the last time. Mum is talking now about going private if the next set of tests don't come up with a diagnosis. She needs to know what this is so that she can fight it. She just wants to pay to go private but, of course, we won't let that happen. There are four of us and between us we can cover the cost. Whatever it is.

The History of L - Part V

2007-12-11T19:18:00.000Z

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.....

The four nights that I spent with L in the hospital were exactly that.

There is such a lot to tell but, again, a lot is hazy. I didn't sleep at all - not for the whole time I was in the hospital - due to the usual maternal hormones kicking in I suppose. I cried lots. Mostly when I was alone late, late at night. I also didn't eat much as I was not the patient - he was - and food for me was not included. A few nurses went against the rules I guess as from time to time a tray did turn up or some toast appeared. I didn't really care about food. By the end of my time there, my face and lips had swollen up weirdly and I couldn't walk in a straight line or find my way to the toilet easily. I can only guess that is what sleep deprivation feels like.

After hubby and his parents left, the nurses helped me to change, clean and feed L for the first time. He was so tiny and so beautiful. I pulled his cot very close to my bed and I lay just looking at him still not able to believe this had happened. Wishing things were different. I felt so alone and lost. The nurses made an exception and allowed me to use my mobile phone and I called a few people. Now, looking back, I wish that I had not done that. I have had some stick for the way I presented the information in the beginning. I was obviously still in shock and firmly believe that I should not be taken to task for feeling and saying what I felt at that time.

L was on a strict 4 hour feeding routine. He was very sleepy and didn't make a sound. He had to be woken for feeds. He took very little but by the end of my time with him he had started to get the hang of it. He had a little monitor attached to his tummy which clicked with each breath. The nurses offered to do the 12am and 4am feeds for me to give me a rest but I wanted to do everything for him myself. (All the nurses were dying to get hold of him and cuddle him). After feeding him I would take him into bed with me and let him sleep on my chest. Those quiet hours with the two of us alone were wonderful. I felt strangely calm and peaceful. Just me and this tiny, gorgeous baby. But, you know, that is exactly what it felt like. A gorgeous baby - but not MY gorgeous baby. I can't really think of it now without feeling...too strong to explain...my words just aren't good enough.

A lot happened in the next four days. Doctors visited. Meetings were had with social workers. Information was given. I had one of those overhead tv/phone/internet things and I started to research Down syndrome. I garnered all the information that I could.

In the beginning, I don't know what I thought was going to happen. Like I have said before nothing, absolutely nothing was planned, things just evolved.

On the second day hubby came to the hospital and we saw the resident social worker who interviewed us and wrote a report ready to hand us over to the local authority's social worker. We just told the truth about how we were feeling. How disappointed we were that the baby we had expected was not here. How shocked and upset we were. How we were so dreadfully, dreadfully afraid. I was quite hysterical I believe.

I spoke to my sister who works in family law who, without meaning to I am sure, led me to believe that it would be very difficult to place L for adoption and that he may have to go into an institution! I panicked at this point. There would be no way, no way at all that I would ever let that happen. As it turns out she was wrong and it was daft of me to think like that. Once we saw our own appointed social worker, we were assured that there would be absolutely no problem placing L if that was our choice and also that institutions like the ones I was imagining simply didn't exist anymore.

Hubby's parents visited everyday. His sister came. My closest friend drove for several hours to come and see me. My brother and sister visited. I was very proud of this beautiful boy and loved to show him off, but I loved it when the night-time came around and we could be alone again.

He had double positional talipies (feet twisted out of shape) and the physio came to teach me how to massage his feet to get them to straighten out. I did this every four hours. His skin was also very dry and I massaged his little body with oil regularly. He also had very sticky eyes which needed to be bathed often to allow them to open. One nurse taught me the trick of pressing against his nose to clear the tear ducts. Through all this he didn't make a sound. The only time I have ever heard him make a sound was when the nurses tried to take blood from his heel. After three unsuccessful attempts I was in such a state at seeing him upset that they had to take him out of the room and eventually got blood another way. Poor baby.

Through all this time hubby had not been able to see L. He had been into the hospital to attend meetings with the social workers but could not face coming onto the ward. On the fourth day I and hubby's parents persuaded him to come in and hold L - even just for a minute. He was so full of mixed emotions - disbelief, fear, love, guilt, remorse that this was very, very hard for him to do. I didn't feel angry that he was unable to be there for me and L during this time. I knew it was just too hard for him and that he would get to it in his own time. (OK, actually I was a little annoyed once when the paediatrician and heart specialist came to talk to me - I felt alone and could have done with support). Anyway, on the fourth day hubby did come in and held L for three minutes. That is all his heart could take at that time. He deluged the poor boy with tears and whispered over and over 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry'. I think that was the first time in five years that I ever saw my husband cry.

On the fourth day I was also told that a foster carer had been identified and that she would come and pick L up the next day - providing his blood test confirming Down syndrome was back.

It came back. With less then an hour to spare. Everyone knew he had Down syndrome but we needed that bit of paper. Trisomy 21. Not translocation. Not Mosaic.

I set aside his best outfit and planned to change him very close to the ETA of his foster carer. I wanted him to look his best. Things conspired to thwart me though and I never got the chance. The plan was for me to spend an hour or so with the foster carer, show her the exercises for his feet and some others the hospital physios has shown me to help with his upper body low muscle tone. The plan was for me to leave the hospital at the same time as him and place him into her car and say goodbye outside in the real world. That was the plan. I couldn't.

She came into the room and I hugged her. She just looked so RIGHT. So kind and loving. I don't know how you can tell that from one glance and a hug. But I could. And I was proved right. All the planned actions went out of the window. I just couldn't stay. If I didn't put him into her arms now I might keep delaying the moment, holding on to him for as long as I could making it worse. I gave him to her and left less than five minutes after she arrived.

I left. I couldn't breath.

New Dad

2007-12-11T18:30:00.000Z

This afternoon we also passed another hurdle. Meeting L's new Dad.

He came by himself. New mum is very busy with L (and loving it). He brought some up to date photos for us to keep and golly that boy gets more gorgeous every day! It was lovely to hear how L has been getting on. But one thing did pull terribly at my heart.....

l have never seen L smile.

At the hospital with him during those first days and during visits with him, he did make a sort of slight movement with the right side of his mouth that did look like half a smile. Obviously it was too early and wasn't really. But it was SO cute. We (us, SW and foster carer) had been waiting for a smile to happen and new Dad told us that L smiled on the day they went to pick him up and take him home. I missed it.

He is changing so fast. Apparently he loves to be tickled and smiles a lot now. He still does not cry but makes a sort of chirping sound like a budgie. He feeds very well and smiles at dinner times too! The hole in his heart is not growing with him. He is thriving. He lifts his head when placed on his tummy. I am so proud of him.

New Dad was lovely. It was an awkward meeting. How could it not be? It's an unusual situation.

It was decided that we will discuss possible contact going forward with our respective social workers after Christmas. It is looking increasingly like this will not be an issue. L's new parents are warm and caring people. I think we may be able to be included in some small way in L's life. If that is the best option.

Lets talk Genes

2007-12-11T18:22:00.000Z

This morning we had our Genetic Counselling appointment. I'm glad that we had a chance to speak to the new couple we have met before we went. We knew what to expect and would have been disappointed if we hadn't. The lady we saw did indeed have no new information for us. Nothing we didn't know already. She did however try to persuade us that their hospital would be the best place to have a CVS if we are considering invasive testing next time round. I couldn't help feeling a little like she was drumming up business. I know that is a little unkind and maybe I misinterpreted things or have a active imagination. After all it would still be an NHS appointment and not private (paid). Maybe they need to fulfill a certain quota for their research figures? My, my, I am being overly suspicious aren't I?

Just like us...

2007-12-10T13:52:00.000Z

We met last night with the other couple I found who are also in our situation. They are fast approaching their last visit with their little girl before she goes to her new parents.

Of course, we were worried how it would go but from the moment we got there and said hello, I knew it would be fine. Even hubby chatted away easily (mind you he had 3 pints!). They were warm, honest and truthful. They are hurting but know they are doing the right thing. They are just like us.

The one thing we did find out though is that the Genetic Counselling appointment we have for tomorrow will be little more than a discussion/questions and answer session. They felt that they didn't learn much of anything that they had not already researched for themselves. I feel quite disappointed actually. I don't know what I thought would happen. I guess I just want someone to say it will all be all right next time - but that is not going to happen.

The statistics say that if you have conceived a baby with T21 once, your risk level increases to 1:100. My age would now give me an unadjusted risk level of something not far from this anyway so I am assuming that this means no adjustment after a nuchal scan? Anyway, like I've said before - odds don't mean much to me anymore.

And now that I have done a lot of research and realised that Down syndrome can be the very least of your chromosomal disorder worries (not to mention all the other things that can go wrong), I sometimes wonder how anyone has the nerve to actually get pregnant anyway.

Still taking the folic though.

Mummy update

2007-12-10T13:32:00.000Z

Mum is at home, a little better for the blood transfusion, but is still having tests. The next one is a device that she is to swallow which will take photos of her small intestine on its journey. Nice.

When we were visiting her a couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to be alone with her in her hospital room. Briefly. She asked me how I was, 'Fine' I said. 'No' she said, 'I mean - how are you REALLY?' I didn't think it was the right time but she seemed okay to discuss L. We didn't cover much. Just how we were sure that we have made the right choices for him and how right the fit was with his new parents. And of course how painful it is nevertheless.

She said that her initial reaction had probably not been the best and she felt a bit uncomfortable about that. She also spoke of how it was the fact that this had happened to me, her first born daughter, that had upset her so much. That it wasn't fair. She also said she was ready to see some photos but not just now. Then dad was back. Brief but very, very meaningful.

I have now been calling to see how she is every couple of days. So, after thinking we may never speak again, things are much improved.

More meetings

2007-12-05T21:55:00.000Z

Our SW called today with an update and I bloody well missed the call. She always calls the house and I had to work late tonight. Hubby was here and has relayed the information but I just wanted to hear it myself!

She visited him today. He is doing fine. Sleeping well, eating well. Fitting in well. His new little brother is very tender with him and has been painting pictures for him . Apparently he likes to run up and show L before running off to do another. Cute eh?

We have been asked if we would like to meet L's new dad next week (as he couldn't make it last time). I want to, even though it is hard. Hubby doesn't really. Meeting L's new mum last time just really took it out of him. He was distraught. Looking at the photos of L's new home and hearing that he will be treasured and loved made him hate himself more. He's been feeling a lot of that. As do I. It is awful to see him so low. I just need to do it. I need to be able to picture L in my head with his mum and dad (and if I'm honest, I also want to hear first hand how he is getting on). I wish, wish, wish, wish I could see him.

On Sunday we have arranged to meet up with the other couple I found who are also going through the same experience. Hubby doesn't really want to do that either because it will mean having to talk about it. But I think it's a good move.

On a more positive note, I have been to the gym twice this week. I have been eating well and taking the folic/vitamin supplements. And I have stopped using. (Wine!).

We also have an appointment next week for Genetic Counselling (whatever that entails). We have been on the waiting list for 3 months. We already know that L has trisomy 21 and not translocation or Mosaic Down syndrome - so it is just a chance happening - and I wonder what they are going to do for us? Do they screen us somehow?? Will be interesting.

Feeling a bit better. Just a bit.

The Big, Bad, Bitch from Hell

2007-12-02T02:02:00.000Z

Ok I am having a really, really bad night. It's 2am. I can't sleep but I am so bloody tired. Should not be writing when I am upset and tired but just need to so I can try and go to bed.

I was working tonight (I waitress part time as well as my full time job - we need the money). The restaurant I work at gets a lot of regular customers - some of them I have become friendly with. I worked up until seven and a half months of my pregnancy so obviously everyone when they see that I am back now wants to know how the new baby is. Most nights I work someone or other will ask: 'What did you have?' or 'How's baby getting on?' or 'Getting much sleep?' It's so hard to know what to say.

I can't say 'yes we had a boy and we are all fine?' - what if they ask more questions? I am chronically bad at lying and wouldn't want to do that anyway. I can't say 'oh, it didn't work out as we had hoped' because they might then feel embarrassed about asking - and I don't want them to feel bad. I especially couldn't bear it if that gave them the impression that he had maybe died. I just want to tell the truth - but how can you put nearly 4 months of an experience like this into a sentence while you place their dinner in front of them. It just sounds so cold. What do I say? 'Oh he is a beautiful baby boy but he was born with Down syndrome and has been adopted - would you like some sauce with your chips?' There is so much more to it than that.

Tonight was just the worst, worst, worst night of all.

We had a large party booked in for an early Christmas dinner. As they started to arrive I realised that these are people I know quite well and who I have spoken to many times about my pregnancy (I sing in a band and they once made a special effort to come and see us perform). I also noticed that one of the party was a young woman who obviously had some sort of learning difficulty which made me feel even worse about saying anything. I tried to avoid them as long as I could but then one lady came up to the bar and asked me about the baby and how things were going. I was stuck. I just mumbled and shook my head but tried to smile at the same time - it was pathetic. She just said she was sorry and went away. I felt awful for making her feel uncomfortable.

Later on, after the meal, she was at the bar again and I felt like I should explain myself. I ended up blurting it out. She really looked hard into my eyes. I could feel her disapproval and floundered which only made me talk more - making it worse. Then she pointed out that her cousin was here who was also born with Down syndrome. Well I hadn't realised that she had DS. Now I really couldn't feel any worse. She asked that silly question about 'how severe' L's DS is and also if I had left him at the hospital. I tried really hard to sound positive and up-beat about his new family and how well he is getting on but I could see that to this woman I was just...well you know I've said it before....the big, bad, bitch from hell.

The thing is, I was really uncomfortable around her cousin. Maybe more than I would have been before L was born. I know now what parents of children (she wasn't a child in this case but you know what I mean) with disabilities say about the people they encounter who don't know how to react to their child. But it is so difficult to know what to do. Will they be offended if I look? Or more offended if I make the effort not to look? Should I speak to the parents about the child's wants or should I speak to the child? But what if the child can't understand me? I mustn't speak in a 'baby' voice because this will anger the parents. It's a minefield if you don't know the individual. Even if you are used to being around disability - everyone is different.

When I was asking her father if he wanted coffee, the girl with DS turned to look at me. (Damn - I am crying again now - I thought I'd stopped that for tonight). I just wanted to hug her. Pull her close and (I know this sounds stupid) show her that I loved her. Of course I don't love her - but that is what I feel about all people I see now with DS. I just want to hold them all close and hug them and love them. Well anyway, I ended up giving her a pathetic little rub on the arm and a smile. God, I felt like a complete idiot. That little gesture had so much behind it but I just looked like a pratt.

All in all - this was a bad night. I got home and cried in hubby's arms for ages. He tells me not to worry about what other people think. He says that different life experiences make for different choices and that we just have to stand tall and know that we have done what is best for the three of us.

I'm in a bit of a state and I promised myself earlier that I would buck up.

Better off?

2007-12-01T15:36:00.000Z

A friend at work is having relationship problems. She spoke to me about it on Friday. The issue has been stewing for a while and she would normally have told me straight away but she was reluctant to, knowing that I am having a hard time (especially this week as L is now with his new family and things are so much more definite - I mean - a change of mind at this point would hurt so many other people). She felt like she couldn't discuss such a trivial thing (her words) when something bad has happened to me.

It got me thinking.

When something bad happens, of course it puts other things into perspective. But that doesn't mean that you can't appreciate other peoples' feelings. I have had relationship problems previously that now seem so absolutely stupid and not at all important. Yet at the time I thought it was the end of the world. And, yes, my friends did listen to me go on and on and did offer advice and comfort - even though inside they were probably thinking 'blimey this just SO doesn't matter'. Yes, I probably got on their nerves a bit and they were very good at not letting it show.

I read a lot of posts on the baby boards and find myself getting very angry with the mums-to-be who are discussing how worried they are about stretch marks and other minor things. Or women who worry that they will feel trapped and fed up staying at home with a baby. Or ones who will be unhappy if they get a 'blue' one when they want a 'pink' one and others who will be devastated if they can't have the birth experience they are expecting.

I shouldn't feel like that. Their worries are very real to them at the time. (I am embarrassed to say that I DID worry about stretchmarks too - stupid, stupid girl). Even though common sense tells you that the thing that is causing you distress is infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things - you just can't help it. Even when you look around and know that you should be thinking 'there are lots of people worse off' deep down you can't help thinking 'yes, but there are lots of people better off too'.

Anyway, the upshot is - I want to get rid of that deep down voice and move forward. I am in a much better position than a lot of people and I am promising myself to try and remember that.

Ooops - I missed the last post

2007-12-01T00:22:00.000Z

Fell asleep on the sofa and just woke up. Hubby has been waking me up at 6.30am recently and persuaded me to go to the gym tonight after work. Knackered.

Mind you I am not at my fittest and I just walked on the treadmill whilst he ran and ran and ran some more next to me. A 15 minute cycle, 5 minutes of rowing and only 10 lengths. It's not like I really went for it. But you have to start somewhere. (And then I buggered it all up with an Indian take away and a couple of beers!).

Well NaBloPoMo is over.

No pressure now to post everyday which is a bit of a shame really.